Meeting the Vulnerable Child

My 2nd session brought up more memories but this time my dialogue was with my Vunerable Inner child and she was 6. In this dialogue I realized that I was becoming aware of the reality which I actually had to contend with as a child. I realized that I had been carrying adult realities instead of being free to be a little girl, a child.

You can see how small I appear in the drawing using the non dominant hand.

It was apparent to me after the session that my Inner Child must have gotten ‘Lost’ in all the adult drama and the work I was required to do. She even looks lost in the picture. I felt so sorry for her, that little girl had no-one paying attention, she was seen only when she was useful; fetching and carrying for my mother was what I DID. If I cleaned something up good, that’s when I got praise, that’s when I became legitimate, so that’s what I did, my solace came when my Nan would come to wisk me away to the sanity of her home. My Nan’s home was always my serenity and she was paying attention.

As I drew the picture of that vulnerable child, I could feel the loneliness of her.
One of the questions that Mary asked really stood out in this session, and that was about what my Inner child was asking of me in the dialogue? I don’t think she believes that I’m going to give her what it is that she needs. I think she thinks that I’m like the majority of the adults in her life. They are not trustworthy, and therefore why is she going to give her any energy. In the dialogue the Inner child is almost, placating me when she says in the writing: “Don’t you worry about me my nan is here for me."

Mary said that just like outer children it takes time to earn trust so my Inner child might initially be wary of my words. She reminded me that it takes time to build trust but that by showing up each week I will begin to earn that trust. My inner child needs to be sure that I’m going to be there for her, like I say I’m going to be. I need to pay attention and show up for her. The connection that Mary pointed out was that this was how I felt as a child that I could not count on my own mother who was only 16 when she had me. Here is a sample of the dialogue again with the non dominant and dominant hand method. If you click on the image you will be able to open in a new window.

Note from Mary: "My job is to lead the person in and I guide using questions in order to unlock the memories that will lead to resolving core issues. Having an inner guide you can trust is so important to the process and it is important to have someone with you as you re-enter the inner realms. My job as an Inner guide is to know which way to turn and when; and I do this with questions.
I create a protective space for the person as they get to know their inner child."

Later in the week I had a powerful dream and wrote it in my journal that I have begun keeping next to me on my night stand. It was me facing a fear and conquering the fear. In the dream I bravely faced the person that hurt me as a kid. I faced his anger, and I faced the scorned looks and feelings that I got from my family, whilst in the dream I felt all those harrowing feelings I carried with me for so long. It seemed important that although I was scared I did not back down. Mary suggested tht it was like I was bravely facing into my fears. I’m not saying they have dissolved into nothing but I feel like I’m hitting a nerve somewhere in my body that’s releasing something, not that I can really define what IT is, during the dream I found myself safely back in my own home and i was fine, this felt like a real breakthrough for me. By the way in my dream my bedroom and my closets were all bigger and brighter signifying that i had created more room, and even with more light! Everything was open and exposed and it felt wonderful, I had a good day that day. In the following days after this, i was energized, I have been organizing and clearing space in my home. My husband is happy, he can find his 'stuff' easier.

In doing this work it is helping me to be more objective about my mother and to see things from an adult perspective. It helps me to be more forgiving and more compassionate. This is a huge shift for only two sessions. As I am getting to know my inner child I also find myself gathering in some of the positive memories such as the peace I felt with my mother’s mother and her mother. As I let go of holding other’s accountable and take back control I have made room for some peace and healing to enter my reality.

talk later, Paula

My first session with Mary

To prepare for my session I sat at my dining room table next to the window looking out over my beautiful deck with all the flowers, humming birds and butterflies abound. [They always come in the morning] Got my crayons and drawing pad and computer open. Blueberries and cranberry and water, to my side.
Sat for 5 minutes and meditated and then called Mary.
Once I settled into the session Mary had me close my eyes and breathe for a minute, I felt present and ready.

She invited me to draw my Inner Child using my non dominant hand, which for me is my right hand since I’m left handed. Initially it felt strange but I knew I was going to be doing this, but still it felt like a shift for me to just be putting the crayon to paper. I even chose a color, like I would have done if I were a child and I drew myself, my Inner Child. I didn’t really think about it I just did it.

And there I was…..I looked really happy…..I was very young………I felt safe.
The process Mary took me through felt strange at first but it only took a minute to go there, I felt as if my brain was trying to adjust, I can’t really explain that but Mary described it as accessing the sub-conscious, the right side of the brain.


Whatever it was I felt safe with Mary, so it was ok.

Next began the dialogue process with the inner child and adult. This question and answer process involves using the non dominant hand and the dominant hand. I was surprised at my answers, things came up that I hadn’t even thought about before. Things like remembering my nursery school or remembering playing in water with cups and much I enjoyed the flow of this as a kid, or how loved I felt by my Nan. I also remembered the sadness in my home and was able to revisit those memories comfortably and with a safe distance using this process.
If you click on this page it will open larger and you can read this dialogue between my dominant and non dominant hand. The hand writing is supposed to look like a childs because it is.. the Inner Childs. Check out the wisdom and insight of this three year old within. I realize how intuitive I already was.

I remembered my nursery school teacher, not what she looked like but how she made me feel. How I felt in her presence. My first exposure to a good teacher. Now my best friend is an amazing teacher, her students adore her….Coincidence, I don’t know…..but weird that I even thought about it!

I taped some of the session so I am able to hear it a 2nd time, so I can really HEAR it.

What I realized that I always was an observer of the people around me, maybe because I had to; I picked up on the subtleties of mood, or body language or tones of voices. My guess is that as children if our environment FEELS shaky we hone in on those things that take more than the five senses to get our information.

The session went fairly quickly, I found only one question difficult to answer and that was about my mother. Now looking back on the session, I realize that my grandmother [Nan] was more of a mother figure to me back then my mom who was barely 16 when she had me, I’m sure she wasn’t giving off ‘Mom’ vibes at that age, no matter her love for me.

Overall I feel like this could be really effective for me; I enjoyed it. A year ago, I was still pretty skeptical of this process because it felt like I could be ‘making it up from my adult self’ but there were some details that came out when I was writing answers with my non dominant hand that frankly I was surprised were even inside of me. For instance Mary asked the question which I then wrote with my dominant hand, asking how the inner child felt around the sadness in the house. The response was written with the non dominant hand described it perfectly with this "it feels like the love has left the room." That is a perfect description of living with my mother, my Nan and her mother. I could not have come up with this myself in fact I had nearly forgotten about this. It gave me a new perspective of my mother and who she was then, practically a baby herself.

I realize that there is more than Traditional talk therapy out there, and I am SOOOOO ready for this. I’ve been dreaming about myself as a child and it as if she has been calling to me to come and get it her. I finally said yes and followed through for us both.

Imagine forgetting your kid at school and she’s waiting outside the playground and you never show up!!!! well that is what I feel I did to her, and now I have to rectify that. I have some habits that I have a hard time with, and feel sometimes out of control with those behaviors. I realize that those habits are my way of escaping. Although I don’t know exactly know what it is that I keep trying to escape. So I have decided to find out. At my age I am not happy with the fact that I don’t feel in control of some of those behaviors. I hope that this will change.

Doing just one hour of work with Mary has already created a shift. The other night I had a little altercation with my husband. Really just a differing of opinions, something I’m apt to blow out of proportion, typically being super vigilant about ANYONE taking advantage of me, but I didn’t go to that same place. I’m not saying that after only one session I am completely transformed, but I am saying that I was calmer in that situation than I normally have been. I didn’t take offense and I also didn’t defend. What changed was my reaction. I am searching for peace inside of myself and a way to quiet that voice inside of me that throws me off kilter, that makes me feel less than, that seems to infiltrate my sense of self. I’m interested in not floating off into oblivion whenever I feel sad or unloved travelling back to that prepubescent self. I want to be here instead of on the outside of my life looking in. I want to be part of my life. Mary says "transformation happens one step at a time and it is work but aren't difficult outer relationships work? Why not change yourself."



Talk later,Paula 

Today is the day..

So today is the day I meet and get to know my Inner Child. I am very nervous about this, but I feel as if this could be a real help to both myself and to others who have experienced some of the devastating treatment that I had to endure. I realize that there are many people who have had to and still do endure the scars of incest.

I'm anticipating that the veil of sadness I've carried around with me for over 35 years will begin to lift and reveal the true soul underneath. I want to become someone who can walk with more joy in the world.

So I shall push through ............ ......... for I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it feels as if I can't quite see it for it may only be the size of a pin point and then I have a breakthrough and it becomes brighter, for me it showed itself in the form of gratitude. I am seeing more clearly. Nature has been my ally in my feeling better. Planting flowers and working on my deck, paying attention & caring for the plants has really helped me to see that I'm ok...........my friends have been a huge help too (I did have to reach out, and that is the hardest thing for us to do I believe) we are so super vigilent in our perception of people, always looking for a crack in someone that will prove to us that there aren't people that can be trusted (well that's how it manifested for me) but you have to have some trust that it will be all right.

Today I found the first drawing and dialogue from an initial session I had with Mary. I had almost forgotten about it as it was nearly a year ago. I was scared of what memories it would uncover and at the time realized that I didn't quite feel ready to follow through. I didn't know if I could handle it. Mary reminded me that the Inner Child will let us know when they are ready to talk. Here is that first picture of that little girl that I drew last year. In the picture is a background, with hills the creek running through it. It looks like where I live right now. I realized that I used to always draw this picture of hills and trees and water running through the hills/mountains, with the sun shining brightly when I was a child. My inner child drew the same picture.

I've done years of traditional therapy which has been somewhat helpful but there is a peace that I am needing in my life now. I feel that peace is waiting for me and I know that by doing this work with Mary, for me anyhow, is going to be hugely beneficial to the way I feel about myself. I’m glad to know that there are many healers and good souls out there that can be of assistance to us. It is up to us to take that leap of faith and go out there and find them knowing that we can heal ourselves and go on to have happy, productive lives. We deserve and are meant to have that you know... Sending you safe hugs and love…