Protective Parent

This past week was a real break through for me and it seems that things are starting to clear. I’m not as stuck as I was and have become more aware of my ‘bad’ habits lately and am working on bringing in healthier habits, I definitely feel a shift. I have been wanting to complete a certification for over 4 years and now I have been following through with the necessary steps and it is now within my sight. I am feeling a lot clearer and realized that I deserve this and I now know where I want to be and exactly what will feed my soul. [I believe this shift in taking action is directly linked to the work I’m doing with Mary]

We started this session off with a centering meditation, which I find to be a great beginning to the session. It really allows me to let Mary guide the session and to lead me. I trust her implicitly with my inner world. It takes only a few minutes to let go of all my preconceived notions of everything and most of all the work I’m doing with her.

Mary guided me through the exercise of the Protective Parent….
I drew with my dominant hand this time, that was different, but also quite freeing in a way. After doing the drawing of my protective parent. I felt Light! It was as if I was beginning again……how it should have been! How I would do it! I was doing it!!!!!!……….for me….that lovely little girl that I know I was!
I then drew a picture of the protective parent taking the child to a safe place. It was quite emotional.

Mary prompted me to ask my Inner Child“What do you need” and to write the answers!
This is what my Inner Child had to say:
I need to be protected from your criticisms you have to let me be. I need protecting from people who don’t ‘get me’-take me to places where I can feel good-
Protect me …..PROPERLY!

I looked at that for a few minutes after writing it, and it kind of shocked me a little. I know that my critical self has found her way to the front of my consciousness in the last few years, especially since I made a conscious decision to withdraw from my family so as to get some perspective on the sexual abuse that occurred for many years whilst I was growing up; from my step-father. I couldn’t seem to reconcile that my sisters and their children had a relationship with him. [After knowing EVERYTHING that he had done to me] I became a bigger victim than they ever could have ‘made’ me become.

I did not take care of myself. I had basically been beating myself up constantly for years because my sister’s actions seemed to show me that they didn’t think I was worth standing up for. I realize after today that I am actually fulfilling a deep seated belief that I’ve perpetuated through my perspective of ‘their’ actions. That I was not to be valued. That what I had to offer was not to be valued, that I was worthless! Mary adds that through this process it is possible to change those outdated messages and to learn to value yourself.

This last week has been a real lesson in cutting that critical voice off at the pass…..”You are not welcome here any longer….you must exit the vicinity, I still have a lot of tidying up to do for the new voice to take up residence. Having all those negative loops hanging around is really dangerous, [someone could hurt themselves with them] and I know for sure that the new voice, will not want to take up residence if I’m not respectful, and show it that I have a good clean space for it to come in.

The session felt uplifting and I really felt like I deserved that 2nd picture that taking that little girl with me was me really owning that I was not protected and it was time for me to be the one to take care of that little girl, and do the job properly.

Talk later paulaxxx

Love letter to my Inner Child 4th session

Prior to the session Mary had me do some centering breath which helped me align myself and get present to the task at hand. This excercise was done with my dominant hand and it was two letters to my inner child from my inner adult. The first was a love letter and the second a letter of apology.

Here is the love letter to my Inner Child:

Dear Inner Child,

I wanted you to know how much I love you because you have such an open heart and an infectious laugh. I love the way you hang from the monkey bars with such confidence, swinging. That seeing things upside down makes you chuckle. That you are a good friend to your friends. I love that you want so badly to be happy. I see you.
I think you are an angel from God, with a really fabulous sense of humor.

All my love forever,
Your adoring and proud parent,
Paula
After writing this I did an image of my nurturing parent and my inner child.

After writing the love letter Mary asked me to read it aloud. As I read this I could picture myself as a child at different ages and felt as if my inner child was listening and looking at me. It was as though she was checking in to see if I was being honest while I was reading it to her. Afterwards Mary also read it to me and it felt really good to be acknowledged for the qualities I know I have. The excercise was more of a testament to my inner child from me as an adult. It was like my inner child was being validated by my adult self. Now I see that instead of looking outside of myself for validation I am able to give that to myself. The shift in my everyday reality is I am now investigating the possibility that perhaps I can begin putting myself first. This is a bit uncomfortable and I am grappling as I incorporate this new behavior. The letter of apology was easy to write as I felt that my inner child deserved the apology from an adult. When I was growing up the adults were not paying attention with the exception of my Nan and now I need to pay attention which is the hardest thing. Now I need to become vigilant about putting myself first. This is going to take practice, after all its been 41 years of doing things another way. I don't blame anyone for all the work that was put on me at such a young age (I was responsible for an entire household by 6 caring for babies and a mother) but now I can choose differently and now it is my responsibility to show up for myself. No more blame.

Thankfully I have Mary always cheering me on and who believes in me and encourages me to believe in myself.

Click on image to read the letter of apology

Finding hope

Thanks to this work and Mary’s guidance in just a short amount of time I have begun to feel like the worst is FINALLY behind me. This isn’t to say that there won’t be things that will come up. I'm beginning to really GET that I can integrate that child and this adult and move forward in my life with hope that the way I run my life wont be fraught with such drama. What always felt to me like my total 'bad' luck, and my perspective of doom and despair which honestly I have been carrying for EVER is now ending and it feels like I'm growing, evolving. I'm gaining confidence, and moving forward with my dreams and goals and can feel them concretely within my grasp. It is like I'm getting in the rhythm of life and the universe. Like I'm part of it, and I'm supposed to be here. Mary adds “you are, a beautiful part.”