You can see how small I appear in the drawing using the non dominant hand.
It was apparent to me after the session that my Inner Child must have gotten ‘Lost’ in all the adult drama and the work I was required to do. She even looks lost in the picture. I felt so sorry for her, that little girl had no-one paying attention, she was seen only when she was useful; fetching and carrying for my mother was what I DID. If I cleaned something up good, that’s when I got praise, that’s when I became legitimate, so that’s what I did, my solace came when my Nan would come to wisk me away to the sanity of her home. My Nan’s home was always my serenity and she was paying attention.
As I drew the picture of that vulnerable child, I could feel the loneliness of her.
One of the questions that Mary asked really stood out in this session, and that was about what my Inner child was asking of me in the dialogue? I don’t think she believes that I’m going to give her what it is that she needs. I think she thinks that I’m like the majority of the adults in her life. They are not trustworthy, and therefore why is she going to give her any energy. In the dialogue the Inner child is almost, placating me when she says in the writing: “Don’t you worry about me my nan is here for me."
Mary said that just like outer children it takes time to earn trust so my Inner child might initially be wary of my words. She reminded me that it takes time to build trust but that by showing up each week I will begin to earn that trust. My inner child needs to be sure that I’m going to be there for her, like I say I’m going to be. I need to pay attention and show up for her. The connection that Mary pointed out was that this was how I felt as a child that I could not count on my own mother who was only 16 when she had me. Here is a sample of the dialogue again with the non dominant and dominant hand method. If you click on the image you will be able to open in a new window.
Note from Mary: "My job is to lead the person in and I guide using questions in order to unlock the memories that will lead to resolving core issues. Having an inner guide you can trust is so important to the process and it is important to have someone with you as you re-enter the inner realms. My job as an Inner guide is to know which way to turn and when; and I do this with questions.
I create a protective space for the person as they get to know their inner child."
Later in the week I had a powerful dream and wrote it in my journal that I have begun keeping next to me on my night stand. It was me facing a fear and conquering the fear. In the dream I bravely faced the person that hurt me as a kid. I faced his anger, and I faced the scorned looks and feelings that I got from my family, whilst in the dream I felt all those harrowing feelings I carried with me for so long. It seemed important that although I was scared I did not back down. Mary suggested tht it was like I was bravely facing into my fears. I’m not saying they have dissolved into nothing but I feel like I’m hitting a nerve somewhere in my body that’s releasing something, not that I can really define what IT is, during the dream I found myself safely back in my own home and i was fine, this felt like a real breakthrough for me. By the way in my dream my bedroom and my closets were all bigger and brighter signifying that i had created more room, and even with more light! Everything was open and exposed and it felt wonderful, I had a good day that day. In the following days after this, i was energized, I have been organizing and clearing space in my home. My husband is happy, he can find his 'stuff' easier.
In doing this work it is helping me to be more objective about my mother and to see things from an adult perspective. It helps me to be more forgiving and more compassionate. This is a huge shift for only two sessions. As I am getting to know my inner child I also find myself gathering in some of the positive memories such as the peace I felt with my mother’s mother and her mother. As I let go of holding other’s accountable and take back control I have made room for some peace and healing to enter my reality.
talk later, Paula
