Learning to feel

Today we dealt with a reoccurring theme in my life which has been this belief that I have to do for others and put their FEELINGS AND LIVES IN FRONT OF MY OWN. Mary seemed to think that it was important to find out where this belief began so we decided that in this session we would work on unravelling it.

We started as we always do with a simple centering breath exercise which I find really helpful as I’ve said before on my previous posts. The breathing is especially since I had been feeling so overwhelmed.

Mary began the session by having me go into the feeling within my body and to allow a drawing to emerge. It was an image of my 14 yr old self that showed her face. In the image I’m so small and appear to be at the beginning stages of puberty, my shape beginning to be visible but I notice I have no feet or hands or very non descript. Eyes and mouth are closed and a sad expression on her face, I felt sad for her, and both needed and wanted to retrieve her.Mary said we are retrieving are and your voice. I had been wondering when she would appear for it was at that age that my second step-father began his reign of sexual/psychological abuse.


Then Mary asked me to write the question what is your name and the response was ‘It doesn’t matter’
(see actual non dominant hand dialogue, click on it to enlarge)which now as I look over my writings I realize that there was a disconnect that began a lot earlier in my childhood and I think culminated in me completely feeling lost by the time my step-father began.

I have so many times resorted to the feelings of that 14 year old young girl and at times the confusion is so palpable.

I have been feeling lost and overwhelmed especially as I have ‘so much to do’ there’s a lot going on in my life at the present time that needs my adult self to show up.

I am feeling those high alert feelings that I had growing up, and especially had on a daily basis whilst going through this trauma. I never feel as if I’m going to ‘figure out’ how I can get to the other side.

I have included all the writings for this session because I think it shows my confusion so well, and as I wrote with my non-dominant hand I can really tell how lost that little girl was and its my desire to SHOW UP FOR HER. I realize that I need to be there for her now and I’m on the path to learn how.
Mary has such a gentle way of both guiding and coaxing things from her. I don’t know that I’ve ever really spoke the truth before and from her perspective instead of my adult self evaluating it.

I felt very sad and very alone. After this session I had a really difficult week and kept reverting to the tools that Mary has made me aware of and that now I am able to use.

It’s all still so new to me; but I do try to be still and really connect and be aware of where I’m ‘FEELING’ the feelings in my body.

I honestly can’t say that I have anything to add to this except that it’s really hard work at the moment and although I am being ‘IN’ the feeling and not running away as I always have, its been an exhausting week.

Thanks for reading talk later
Paula

Putting the Protective Parent into action

Starting to put the work to work…is what this session felt like today.
Mary and I started as we always do with some centering breath excercises.I brought up a specific problem I had been dealing with one of my own clients and how I was feeling less than valued. Mary suggested that we look into this situation as she thought it could be connected to a longer standing pattern. We put my protective parent into action through the dialogue process. WOW!!!!! OK!!!!! I get it.

I drew a picture of one of my clients who for most of the time I find to be quite reasonable but there are those times where I feel completely undermined. I kept thinking that it must be me [of course who else am I going to blame]and the inner critic was still reminding me that I must be incompetent or something. This client would give me a compliment and in the same breath tell me how I could do better [?] I would find myself trying to MAKE her see (prove) that I’m a good person/worker etc. or I would just work harder and prove to her that I was valuable. [Now after drawing out this inner voice I can see it for what it was…

I drew a situation which depicts the woman I work for and then myself using my non-dominant hand. (see image below) In the drawing it was interesting to see how very small I appear and I wonder could I appear any smaller? I mean good lord, I feel so sad for that minute being. I wonder do I really feel like that inside? Around her YES YES YES!!!!

Is she purposely making me feel like that NO NO NO…………I’m doing that to myself. In the drawing the caption above my head reads: “I’m so tired of these people." In my life I have grown tired of those people but in the past few months I have begun to notice that those ‘type’ people who used to always show up are not showing up as much in my life now. Could it be that I’m not attracting them as much anymore or I’m not attracted to them.

Mary also asked me to do a dialogue between the client and my protective parent using my dominant hand. She wanted the protective parent to be put into action in order to shield the inner child from being treated poorly.
(Click on the image to enlarge)


This dialogue was very revealing. In my last post I had said I feel like I’m maturing at warp speed and I am still doing just that. At the end of the dialogue my protective parent spoke a truth that I had not vocalized, but it is really the way I feel.

This image says it all as it shows me walking out the door. (click on the image to enlarge)
In reality I have begun finding and taking on new clients who treat me better. I want and know that I deserve to be appreciated for the work I do. [I’ve already signed one on to my books this week …hey go figure, and he’s signed on for my rate, without even a sigh! Twice the rate that I was getting previously. This new client was SO respectful and totally grateful, he was already feeling like I was going to be such an asset to him, and how did I feel. VALUED! VALUED, and in charge of my own voice.

I cannot piss and moan about how someone ‘makes’ me feel and expect things to change, I’m the only one who can change my circumstances. I’m the only one who gets to chose who and what I allow into my life. I must take responsibility for that.

As Mary so eloquently puts it; you only need to tend to your own inner road map, it’s not your responsibility to try to figure out anybody else’s emotions, or their shortcomings. If something doesn’t ‘FEEL’ right to you, that is an indicator that you shouldn’t be there, or you should take stock of what the feeling is trying to tell you……You need only to tend to your OWN inner world it will give you the information you are seeking. You must be still long enough to hear it!
This is my 9th week with Mary and so far I have taken on 2 new clients, and the completion of my ‘Life Coaching Certification’ should be done by December 2009.

I know for certain that if I hadn’t taken on this challenge of going in and working with my inner child that there would be no way I would have made such progress in my day to day life. I have been making healthier choices lately and have been learning how to become a better observer. I’m hoping that this ‘observer’ stays with me, throughout the rest of my life, allowing me to live more consciously.
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It’s like I’m just getting used to myself and it’s quite exciting to like who I am, and to know that I don’t need to prove that I’m worthy to ANYONE! I’m learning that I’m valuable and loveable just as I am……… this takes practice. I have begun asking myself “What Do I Want?” What Do I Need?” Where Do I want To Go?” What Do I Want To Achieve?’ these are questions that now bare paying attention to…

Talk next week Paula

Critical Parent

I started my session with Mary as we always do with some centering breathes to get me connected to ‘The Now’ and as is usual in our sessions. Mary’s voice brings me back to be fully present to the task at hand which was accessing and meeting the “Critical Parent.”

I found it to be really easy to connect and could visualize it being right beneath my skin, just waiting for anything to be critical about:

Mary had me draw my critical parent and as you can see I drew her as protective and happy with my 3 sisters and me there over to the side with my hands on my hips in a kind of defiant stance, separate.

In the drawintg she is telling me all the things that I now have learned to say to myself after being triggered by things my sisters and mother say. Inwardly I hear that I’m over exaggerating the pain I’ve felt throughout my childhood especially related to the incest.

After I drew the picture and said the words with my dominant hand Mary had me ask the question:

Dear inner child
“Tell me what your hearts desire is”
I then wrote my answers with my non-dominant hand

This is what I wrote:

I want to be free from feeling like I don’t matter to you-I want to be able to get excited about becoming a mom-I want to be free from those ugly thoughts!

Next Mary had me invite the voice and the critique of my inner‘Critical Parent’to come forward and have its say using the dominant hand:



Then Mary asked me to have the Inner Child talk back to the inner voice of the Critical Parent with my non-dominant hand

My Inner Child wrote:
I feel sad for you-that you are so angry. You can’t see me-can you? You don’t know me & you don’t want to know me.You just want to be mean & spiteful & I don’t want to know you anymore.

The picture below is my picture drawn with my non-dominant hand of me being free and happy and how I see my life becoming:

It’s me grown with my husband and 2 children with a house and a dog and a small structure off of my house that is representative of my office.
There is happiness in that picture and money to help me be free and to enable me to live a life of love and joy as I’ve always wanted to be.

This session really brought home to me the fact that holding onto the past is detrimental to my present and to my future.

I know that me being happy is down to me taking care of me.

The critical voice is not as loud as it was, although the many years I’ve spent pandering to that voice has to be unlearned and the person I am, and am becoming has to be honored.

I have to put those voices that keep me down to bed. Not having the backing [as I see it as this moment] of my first family to cheer me on, will not stop me from my journey. It has just been a glitch in my growth.

It has to come from me, and I can only stand by myself and do the best I can where I’m at at the moment with each day bringing more grace and hope into my life. I have to be aware that this voice is one of my stronger voices, and I have to be vigilant to it when it rises to the surface. I feel as if I should give it some respect after all it was this bold inner voice that brought me to the place of seeking the help I needed. It also enabled me to finally and for the rest of my time on this earth go forward with the true spirit that is demanding I pay attention to it. I certainly cannot offer any real help to others until I am at peace with this voice.

I want to say to the critical voice:

“You have done your job it is time for you to leave now” I appreciate that you had to be here for me to grow…………………..

Talk later Paula…………..growing up at warp speed I might add!