Sat for 5 minutes and meditated and then called Mary.
Once I settled into the session Mary had me close my eyes and breathe for a minute, I felt present and ready.
She invited me to draw my Inner Child using my non dominant hand, which for me is my right hand since I’m left handed. Initially it felt strange but I knew I was going to be doing this, but still it felt like a shift for me to just be putting the crayon to paper. I even chose a color, like I would have done if I were a child and I drew myself, my Inner Child. I didn’t really think about it I just did it.
And there I was…..I looked really happy…..I was very young………I felt safe.
The process Mary took me through felt strange at first but it only took a minute to go there, I felt as if my brain was trying to adjust, I can’t really explain that but Mary described it as accessing the sub-conscious, the right side of the brain.
Whatever it was I felt safe with Mary, so it was ok.
Next began the dialogue process with the inner child and adult. This question and answer process involves using the non dominant hand and the dominant hand. I was surprised at my answers, things came up that I hadn’t even thought about before. Things like remembering my nursery school or remembering playing in water with cups and much I enjoyed the flow of this as a kid, or how loved I felt by my Nan. I also remembered the sadness in my home and was able to revisit those memories comfortably and with a safe distance using this process.
If you click on this page it will open larger and you can read this dialogue between my dominant and non dominant hand. The hand writing is supposed to look like a childs because it is.. the Inner Childs. Check out the wisdom and insight of this three year old within. I realize how intuitive I already was.
I remembered my nursery school teacher, not what she looked like but how she made me feel. How I felt in her presence. My first exposure to a good teacher. Now my best friend is an amazing teacher, her students adore her….Coincidence, I don’t know…..but weird that I even thought about it!
I taped some of the session so I am able to hear it a 2nd time, so I can really HEAR it.
What I realized that I always was an observer of the people around me, maybe because I had to; I picked up on the subtleties of mood, or body language or tones of voices. My guess is that as children if our environment FEELS shaky we hone in on those things that take more than the five senses to get our information.
The session went fairly quickly, I found only one question difficult to answer and that was about my mother. Now looking back on the session, I realize that my grandmother [Nan] was more of a mother figure to me back then my mom who was barely 16 when she had me, I’m sure she wasn’t giving off ‘Mom’ vibes at that age, no matter her love for me.
Overall I feel like this could be really effective for me; I enjoyed it. A year ago, I was still pretty skeptical of this process because it felt like I could be ‘making it up from my adult self’ but there were some details that came out when I was writing answers with my non dominant hand that frankly I was surprised were even inside of me. For instance Mary asked the question which I then wrote with my dominant hand, asking how the inner child felt around the sadness in the house. The response was written with the non dominant hand described it perfectly with this "it feels like the love has left the room." That is a perfect description of living with my mother, my Nan and her mother. I could not have come up with this myself in fact I had nearly forgotten about this. It gave me a new perspective of my mother and who she was then, practically a baby herself.
I realize that there is more than Traditional talk therapy out there, and I am SOOOOO ready for this. I’ve been dreaming about myself as a child and it as if she has been calling to me to come and get it her. I finally said yes and followed through for us both.
Imagine forgetting your kid at school and she’s waiting outside the playground and you never show up!!!! well that is what I feel I did to her, and now I have to rectify that. I have some habits that I have a hard time with, and feel sometimes out of control with those behaviors. I realize that those habits are my way of escaping. Although I don’t know exactly know what it is that I keep trying to escape. So I have decided to find out. At my age I am not happy with the fact that I don’t feel in control of some of those behaviors. I hope that this will change.
Doing just one hour of work with Mary has already created a shift. The other night I had a little altercation with my husband. Really just a differing of opinions, something I’m apt to blow out of proportion, typically being super vigilant about ANYONE taking advantage of me, but I didn’t go to that same place. I’m not saying that after only one session I am completely transformed, but I am saying that I was calmer in that situation than I normally have been. I didn’t take offense and I also didn’t defend. What changed was my reaction. I am searching for peace inside of myself and a way to quiet that voice inside of me that throws me off kilter, that makes me feel less than, that seems to infiltrate my sense of self. I’m interested in not floating off into oblivion whenever I feel sad or unloved travelling back to that prepubescent self. I want to be here instead of on the outside of my life looking in. I want to be part of my life. Mary says "transformation happens one step at a time and it is work but aren't difficult outer relationships work? Why not change yourself."
Talk later,Paula
No comments:
Post a Comment