As you can see in the picture below she looks really pissed off………….when I asked what was her name….the response was “Go Away” and when she’s asked her age she says 100……………I felt really strange and discombobulated, really irritated. Mary mentioned that I probably felt like I was a hundred with all that I was responsible for at that age.
Mary suggested I ask again, and this time the answer was 9.
During the session I was surprised that my inner child remembered facts such as where I lived and even gave my street address, which is weird since I can’t recall remembering the exact address. I guess that’s the mystery of this work using the non-dominant hand for it allows one to access the sub-conscious mind.I was surprised again by some of the answers that came through the writing. Memories of the nuns in school always trying to make me write with my right hand, as I’m left handed and it was frowned upon to be left-handed. I can remember feeling like these adults didn’t have a clue what they were talking about intuitively I knew better. The reason this may be coming up is because it would have caused me to be angry, obviously!
I can only say that during this session besides feeling exhausted, my general feeling of annoyance and anger seemed to dissipate after sorting through some of it with Mary. It helped me to understand and empathize with the reality of what I dealt with as a child. It really felt like someone was finally listening to me when I was a child of 9.
My mother had 3 other babies by the time I was 6, I became the handmaid to them all. By the time I was 6 I was responsible for so much. I can really SEE why I was so angry and so exhausted by the age of 9, I’d already lived a whole lifetime. I didn’t even GET to be a kid. My annoyance and frustration really kind of picked up again in the middle of theweek….Anger/irritation, and some other dark feelings have surfaced for me but the difference was that I began to think, what am I angry for? Asking myself why am I so irritated? What do I NEED TO DO FOR ME…? Good question Paula? This is new. Mary encourages this line of thinking. She being an advocate for good self care.
I have a sneaky suspicion that I want to do nothing for awhile. I want to be taken care of……….not have to think about adult things, mortgage, bills, etc… I realized I was irritated. I WANT TO KNOW THAT ALL THE BILLS ARE TAKEN CARE OF AND THAT I GET TO JUST TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, AND HAVE THE FUNDS AVAILABLE TO DO THAT………….
I also remember that my mother always put the men in her life first, a pattern that I may have a bit of too. I was taught. Luckily I have a husband who is a good man and he wants me to be happy. He even offered to buy me a full punching bag and offered to teach me. Now would be a good time! I realized that I have been literally carrying around too much weight for a while and that I need to take the weight off both figuratively and literally.
For most of my life I felt I had to make sure that my sisters were ok…. I was the oldest. I looked at a picture of myself at 9 that I had brought out the week before and as I looked other memories begin to pop into my consciousness. I remember that at that age feeling really annoyed at myself if, when I colored a picture and any of the colors were out of the lines……………I was always so careful to stay in the lines. Definitely more than was usual.
Now when I look at the drawing of my angry child I see bursts of rage. f you look at both my feet and hands they look like boxing gloves.
I think that is significant because I would have loved to have been able to have been strong enough to have actually been able to knock out an adult………you know really give them a massive upper cut and a left hook…………………………MAKES ME FEEL GOOD just THINKING ABOUT HOW THAT WOULD HAVE FELT!!!! {I guess I’m carrying more 9 year old Paula than I’d thought I had inside of me.}
I think I may be processing this one for a little while.
By Wednesday night, after working at a job that I really do not like and feeling like I’m STUCK…….BUT now I KNOW that I get to choose. [Something to work towards]I had to really go through the feelings of why, what and how did I get here, what the hell am I going to do……………..and obviously I’m learning why as I type this blog.
I guess that this weeks session with Mary, brought up all kinds of emotions that were mixed with other emotions that feel like this humungous ball of emotional wool that I’ve been carrying around for many many years. Weight that needs to be laid down and forgiveness needs to take place somewhere inside of me.
I think that I probably need to begin with myself.
Now I remember what my teachers used to invariably put on my report cards year after year…………..Paula is this this and this, but the main thing that Paula is, is her own worst enemy…………………..I’ve never forgotten that! It probably hit my consciousness at just the WRONG TIME in my growth, when so much was so uncertain and so much ‘felt like’ I should have been able to have done something to have changed the outcome.
The session really hit a nerve, ANGER must be expressed, somewhere………..mine went inside and buried itself, safe away from the maddening crowd [I was a little girl after all………where else was it going to go]
Maybe it’s time for me to get off my own back and give myself the love that I really do deserve. Whether I am 9, 9 months or 19. I am loveable and carrying so much anger inside is detrimental to my well-being.
I love what Nelson Mandela said:
“that when we hate [which is separation from others] we are drinking in the poison and expecting it to kill the person who caused the pain.”
All that energy and self flagellation and the person/people who we feel have harmed us are going about their business. Living their lives, taking care of their ‘situations’.
Remember assumptions make an ass of you and me.
Talk later,
Paula
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