Learning to feel

Today we dealt with a reoccurring theme in my life which has been this belief that I have to do for others and put their FEELINGS AND LIVES IN FRONT OF MY OWN. Mary seemed to think that it was important to find out where this belief began so we decided that in this session we would work on unravelling it.

We started as we always do with a simple centering breath exercise which I find really helpful as I’ve said before on my previous posts. The breathing is especially since I had been feeling so overwhelmed.

Mary began the session by having me go into the feeling within my body and to allow a drawing to emerge. It was an image of my 14 yr old self that showed her face. In the image I’m so small and appear to be at the beginning stages of puberty, my shape beginning to be visible but I notice I have no feet or hands or very non descript. Eyes and mouth are closed and a sad expression on her face, I felt sad for her, and both needed and wanted to retrieve her.Mary said we are retrieving are and your voice. I had been wondering when she would appear for it was at that age that my second step-father began his reign of sexual/psychological abuse.


Then Mary asked me to write the question what is your name and the response was ‘It doesn’t matter’
(see actual non dominant hand dialogue, click on it to enlarge)which now as I look over my writings I realize that there was a disconnect that began a lot earlier in my childhood and I think culminated in me completely feeling lost by the time my step-father began.

I have so many times resorted to the feelings of that 14 year old young girl and at times the confusion is so palpable.

I have been feeling lost and overwhelmed especially as I have ‘so much to do’ there’s a lot going on in my life at the present time that needs my adult self to show up.

I am feeling those high alert feelings that I had growing up, and especially had on a daily basis whilst going through this trauma. I never feel as if I’m going to ‘figure out’ how I can get to the other side.

I have included all the writings for this session because I think it shows my confusion so well, and as I wrote with my non-dominant hand I can really tell how lost that little girl was and its my desire to SHOW UP FOR HER. I realize that I need to be there for her now and I’m on the path to learn how.
Mary has such a gentle way of both guiding and coaxing things from her. I don’t know that I’ve ever really spoke the truth before and from her perspective instead of my adult self evaluating it.

I felt very sad and very alone. After this session I had a really difficult week and kept reverting to the tools that Mary has made me aware of and that now I am able to use.

It’s all still so new to me; but I do try to be still and really connect and be aware of where I’m ‘FEELING’ the feelings in my body.

I honestly can’t say that I have anything to add to this except that it’s really hard work at the moment and although I am being ‘IN’ the feeling and not running away as I always have, its been an exhausting week.

Thanks for reading talk later
Paula