Hi Everybody,
When I started doing this inner work I had this feeling that something had not been honored in me? I have known Mary for many years and my first introduction to her amazing work was through her mapping technique. One mapping session opened me up to all kinds of things that I knew would be emotional work if I were to begin. It took me a while to really commit to the process but after a few events in my life I knew it was time. I knew deep down in the very core of me that I had to address the issues in my life that were holding me back from being completely myself in the world. My life had started to unravel, in my mid 40’s I was not satisfied with many aspects about it, and there was this feeling that something had not been honored in me?
This inner child work has been an amazing journey of recovery and healing which allows a person to actually listen and heal the child within.
Before Mary did this work with me it was difficult for me to follow-through on assignments that would take me forward in my life. But now I have been honoring myself by completing tasks that are important for my growth as a woman, as a business woman, even as a wife. None of those things would have been possible without Mary capably guiding me on my path.
As part of my journey to being seen and being heard I set a goal to complete my Professional Coaching Certification and as of December I did! Through working with Mary I started taking the steps I needed to really ‘hear’ my own inner voice and in so doing was able to begin a new journey of self discovery and actually follow-through on steps to reach the goals I am setting for myself. I even joined my local toastmasters group…..aghhhhh scared a little, but excited to…..so I have to give my ice breaker speech in a month…..in front of about 30 people…..you can’t imagine how I feel….anywhooooooooooo this is what I wanted to say…
I noticed after I did this inner child work with Mary that I was in a much more centered place and felt able to take on the assignments and the classes needed to move forward. From July to the beginning of November I had many many classes to get through and quite a few assignments all culminating with a research paper. The paper quite frankly terrified me but I decided I was up for the task I went to work to set my timetable to get the classes schedules and the assignments completed by the date required. I had taken quite a few classes a couple of years ago, and have always been drawn to the idea of helping kids between the ages of 13-25….go figure the incest took place beginning for me when I was 13/4 until I left home when I was just 20 years old. Mary showed me ‘how to’ value myself and give myself credit and gave me the tools which allowed me to go inside and rescue that little girl that I was, that teenager that I was and that young woman that I was. Having basically raised myself she gave me permission to own that reality and to trust in my experiences and to give my young self the respect that she had long deserved. So I guess it makes sense that I want to help even one person that could possibly be feeling the feeling I had at these ages.
I did at one point dip into old habits and frankly got a little intimidated by what I felt I didn’t know, however after having a few mini sessions with Mary I came to the realization that this was my dream and I needed to honor that dream so I kept moving forward.
I wrote a research paper on a subject matter that intrigued me. How does using affirmations and visualizations help a person to move forward using the scientific data available I wrote about a well know physiological model. I would be glad to share the paper in case anyone is interested in it. I know that knowing that there is a scientific basis for all this helps me to implement the tools more readily, there may be more people out there like me that this could help in that understanding. I know that one of the reasons I took on this subject matter was because Mary uses these tools and techniques in order to help others grow and become truly who they are meant to be. I am aware that we come into this world with our gifts and that many of us never get to realize those gifts and experience what they are for ourselves let alone be able to share them with the world, which I think, is very sad.
Not only have I completed my coaching certification but I have started working as a coach and have and am attracting more clients that I really enjoy working with. Guess what? They value me and the service I offer to them. I’m charging a reasonable fee for my experience and feel very confident that I will go further in my chosen field.
This time last year the very idea that someone would actually pay me for something that I do so naturally was inconceivable to me, but now I feel like it’s possible. I know too, that the effort I put into the classes and into the assignments have a direct result on my confidence and in my knowledge of coaching, but intuitively I knew that this was always my calling, I just didn’t have a clue how it was going to show up for me.!!!!
Tar—arrrrr!!!! Here it is, you put the vision out there and it will manifest, not that it isn’t work but it is work that is a passion, a whole different ball game than doing something to make money and pay the bills, although this has to be honored to….
We all have to pay our way………….
I understand that my effort in building my business is necessary as I say to one of my clients who does not enjoy being part of building a good foundation-it is a must for you to be apart of growing your business. As with anything that you love you have to tend to it and give it your attention, your love and attention will reward you in many more ways than you can imagine as you more forward.
The more we go inside and recover ourselves the more we are able to honor ourselves thus we can share, helping this world be better. As we do better, we emanate that into the world. Mary’s work helping people do that is really important. I wish everybody could experience the joy of discovering oneself; Mary is an important element in that journey not to be missed. I hope everyone gives themselves this experience for it is invaluable.
In closing I want to thank you Mary. You really are a treasure and thank god you did the work on yourself, enabling you to share your gifts with us. Imagine not having you doing this work out there in the world; that would be a tragedy I believe.
I know that my Nan would be proud!
Talk later,
Paula
Monday, November 30, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Letting Go and Breaking Through
Today we began as always with a centering breath. I was really glad of it today as I was feeling very scattered. I honestly struggled this week, feeling raw, and very open, exposed like an open wound. Feeling really uncomfortable, yet I know that it is all a process of letting go. Its not easy to let go, but I feel like in this session that Mary was helping, uncovering the core of me.
I have also been feeling really uncomfortable with the physical weight I have been carrying for so many years and which has become a real burden. I want to put it down along with this emotional baggage I have been sloughing off. I keep thinking its not just wanting to ‘LOSE WEIGHT’ BUT instead LET IT GO! To finally SET IT DOWN, set it all down and let go of it and the past. Yes that’s really the way to describe it for it all has felt so cumbersome. Mary wonders if maybe I finally feel ready to share the real me.
In this session my 6 year old self showed up, and she wasn’t in the best of moods either! During the dialogue I began to see how strong I had to be and all that I had to handle and all the weight I had to carry as a child. I still feel like I’m moving at warp speed to catch up with myself. I think I may have mentioned that before, but truly its how I’m feeling. Like there is no time to waste you know?
When I was growing up MY NAN was the one person who I felt was truly there for me.
I think if she were here today she would want to help me and quickly take me from this place. Just like Mary my Nan would quickly want to show me how valuable I truly am. My Nan tried to give me so much why she was still alive and I just know that today she would be proud of me. She would be proud of how I live my life and how I am showing up for myself, she would approve and I feel glad for that.
What was so lovely for me was that during the session what came up was a really wonderful memory of my Nan and me in Blackpool on one of ‘our’ trips to the ‘seaside’ to see the illuminations. We would stay at a bed and breakfast eating toast and marmalade, and drinking tea out of fancy cups, from a tea pot with little pink flowers on it, and planning a day out to go up the tower on the shore, and watching the fabulous lights. There with her I was safe and happy. It was as if she were there as always wanting the best for me. She was the best Nan.
This session more than any other has shifted my perspective. Mary invited me to explore and enter the emotion where the ‘STUCKNESS” lives in my body, actually feeling where the heaviness settled. Here is the drawing:
Here is a portion of the dialogue using the non dominant hand:
I have to say that for the next two days I felt HORRID………discombulated, pressure…..like I couldn’t get out of a quicksand pit…
[Now there’s a visual]. I realized that my stuckness has to be let go of and I’m ready. Mary says that when we enter in and engage with our emotions we begin to loosen them up and we can release them but the process can initially be uncomfortable.
By day three I woke with almost a lightness in my step. I got up at 6:45am-went to a 7:30am yoga class, worked out after that, came home did 2 classes towards my certification course that I will be graduating from in December.
I realized that I’m meant to be here, that I have something to offer, I just have to get used to my own voice. I have to talk and be counted. I have ideas; I have things to say and things to share and a lot to GIVE.
I want it to come from a place of peace. The more I honor my self, my body my mind, my home and my husband -that has been a hard one to do, maybe because he is my closest alley. I realize that he doesn’t have the answers and that I’ve been punishing him for that…but then I’ve been operating from a really young mind, maybe 15-16 year old.
So in conclusion to this I want to say thank you to Mary for helping me get to my inner child and I really hope that we can continue to explore this to really help me get grounded in my healing, become more of who I am and to be able to go out into the world with confidence and show others how to do it……….I have a ways to go, I know that, but Mary you really are showing me the way, I hope for others that they find you for you are a healer of the highest order and should be honored for that place in this world.
Talk later PaulaX
I have also been feeling really uncomfortable with the physical weight I have been carrying for so many years and which has become a real burden. I want to put it down along with this emotional baggage I have been sloughing off. I keep thinking its not just wanting to ‘LOSE WEIGHT’ BUT instead LET IT GO! To finally SET IT DOWN, set it all down and let go of it and the past. Yes that’s really the way to describe it for it all has felt so cumbersome. Mary wonders if maybe I finally feel ready to share the real me.
In this session my 6 year old self showed up, and she wasn’t in the best of moods either! During the dialogue I began to see how strong I had to be and all that I had to handle and all the weight I had to carry as a child. I still feel like I’m moving at warp speed to catch up with myself. I think I may have mentioned that before, but truly its how I’m feeling. Like there is no time to waste you know?
When I was growing up MY NAN was the one person who I felt was truly there for me.
I think if she were here today she would want to help me and quickly take me from this place. Just like Mary my Nan would quickly want to show me how valuable I truly am. My Nan tried to give me so much why she was still alive and I just know that today she would be proud of me. She would be proud of how I live my life and how I am showing up for myself, she would approve and I feel glad for that. What was so lovely for me was that during the session what came up was a really wonderful memory of my Nan and me in Blackpool on one of ‘our’ trips to the ‘seaside’ to see the illuminations. We would stay at a bed and breakfast eating toast and marmalade, and drinking tea out of fancy cups, from a tea pot with little pink flowers on it, and planning a day out to go up the tower on the shore, and watching the fabulous lights. There with her I was safe and happy. It was as if she were there as always wanting the best for me. She was the best Nan.
This session more than any other has shifted my perspective. Mary invited me to explore and enter the emotion where the ‘STUCKNESS” lives in my body, actually feeling where the heaviness settled. Here is the drawing:
Here is a portion of the dialogue using the non dominant hand:
I have to say that for the next two days I felt HORRID………discombulated, pressure…..like I couldn’t get out of a quicksand pit…
[Now there’s a visual]. I realized that my stuckness has to be let go of and I’m ready. Mary says that when we enter in and engage with our emotions we begin to loosen them up and we can release them but the process can initially be uncomfortable.
By day three I woke with almost a lightness in my step. I got up at 6:45am-went to a 7:30am yoga class, worked out after that, came home did 2 classes towards my certification course that I will be graduating from in December.
I realized that I’m meant to be here, that I have something to offer, I just have to get used to my own voice. I have to talk and be counted. I have ideas; I have things to say and things to share and a lot to GIVE.
I want it to come from a place of peace. The more I honor my self, my body my mind, my home and my husband -that has been a hard one to do, maybe because he is my closest alley. I realize that he doesn’t have the answers and that I’ve been punishing him for that…but then I’ve been operating from a really young mind, maybe 15-16 year old.
So in conclusion to this I want to say thank you to Mary for helping me get to my inner child and I really hope that we can continue to explore this to really help me get grounded in my healing, become more of who I am and to be able to go out into the world with confidence and show others how to do it……….I have a ways to go, I know that, but Mary you really are showing me the way, I hope for others that they find you for you are a healer of the highest order and should be honored for that place in this world.
Talk later PaulaX
Friday, August 21, 2009
Learning to feel
Today we dealt with a reoccurring theme in my life which has been this belief that I have to do for others and put their FEELINGS AND LIVES IN FRONT OF MY OWN. Mary seemed to think that it was important to find out where this belief began so we decided that in this session we would work on unravelling it.
We started as we always do with a simple centering breath exercise which I find really helpful as I’ve said before on my previous posts. The breathing is especially since I had been feeling so overwhelmed.
Mary began the session by having me go into the feeling within my body and to allow a drawing to emerge. It was an image of my 14 yr old self that showed her face. In the image I’m so small and appear to be at the beginning stages of puberty, my shape beginning to be visible but I notice I have no feet or hands or very non descript. Eyes and mouth are closed and a sad expression on her face, I felt sad for her, and both needed and wanted to retrieve her.Mary said we are retrieving are and your voice. I had been wondering when she would appear for it was at that age that my second step-father began his reign of sexual/psychological abuse.
Then Mary asked me to write the question what is your name and the response was ‘It doesn’t matter’
(see actual non dominant hand dialogue, click on it to enlarge)
which now as I look over my writings I realize that there was a disconnect that began a lot earlier in my childhood and I think culminated in me completely feeling lost by the time my step-father began.
I have so many times resorted to the feelings of that 14 year old young girl and at times the confusion is so palpable.
I have been feeling lost and overwhelmed especially as I have ‘so much to do’ there’s a lot going on in my life at the present time that needs my adult self to show up.
I am feeling those high alert feelings that I had growing up, and especially had on a daily basis whilst going through this trauma. I never feel as if I’m going to ‘figure out’ how I can get to the other side.
I have included all the writings for this session because I think it shows my confusion so well, and as I wrote with my non-dominant hand I can really tell how lost that little girl was and its my desire to SHOW UP FOR HER. I realize that I need to be there for her now and I’m on the path to learn how.
Mary has such a gentle way of both guiding and coaxing things from her. I don’t know that I’ve ever really spoke the truth before and from her perspective instead of my adult self evaluating it.
I felt very sad and very alone. After this session I had a really difficult week and kept reverting to the tools that Mary has made me aware of and that now I am able to use.
It’s all still so new to me; but I do try to be still and really connect and be aware of where I’m ‘FEELING’ the feelings in my body.
I honestly can’t say that I have anything to add to this except that it’s really hard work at the moment and although I am being ‘IN’ the feeling and not running away as I always have, its been an exhausting week.
Thanks for reading talk later
Paula
We started as we always do with a simple centering breath exercise which I find really helpful as I’ve said before on my previous posts. The breathing is especially since I had been feeling so overwhelmed.
Mary began the session by having me go into the feeling within my body and to allow a drawing to emerge. It was an image of my 14 yr old self that showed her face. In the image I’m so small and appear to be at the beginning stages of puberty, my shape beginning to be visible but I notice I have no feet or hands or very non descript. Eyes and mouth are closed and a sad expression on her face, I felt sad for her, and both needed and wanted to retrieve her.Mary said we are retrieving are and your voice. I had been wondering when she would appear for it was at that age that my second step-father began his reign of sexual/psychological abuse.
Then Mary asked me to write the question what is your name and the response was ‘It doesn’t matter’
(see actual non dominant hand dialogue, click on it to enlarge)
which now as I look over my writings I realize that there was a disconnect that began a lot earlier in my childhood and I think culminated in me completely feeling lost by the time my step-father began.I have so many times resorted to the feelings of that 14 year old young girl and at times the confusion is so palpable.
I have been feeling lost and overwhelmed especially as I have ‘so much to do’ there’s a lot going on in my life at the present time that needs my adult self to show up.
I am feeling those high alert feelings that I had growing up, and especially had on a daily basis whilst going through this trauma. I never feel as if I’m going to ‘figure out’ how I can get to the other side.
I have included all the writings for this session because I think it shows my confusion so well, and as I wrote with my non-dominant hand I can really tell how lost that little girl was and its my desire to SHOW UP FOR HER. I realize that I need to be there for her now and I’m on the path to learn how.
Mary has such a gentle way of both guiding and coaxing things from her. I don’t know that I’ve ever really spoke the truth before and from her perspective instead of my adult self evaluating it.
I felt very sad and very alone. After this session I had a really difficult week and kept reverting to the tools that Mary has made me aware of and that now I am able to use.
It’s all still so new to me; but I do try to be still and really connect and be aware of where I’m ‘FEELING’ the feelings in my body.
I honestly can’t say that I have anything to add to this except that it’s really hard work at the moment and although I am being ‘IN’ the feeling and not running away as I always have, its been an exhausting week.
Thanks for reading talk later
Paula
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Putting the Protective Parent into action
Starting to put the work to work…is what this session felt like today.
Mary and I started as we always do with some centering breath excercises.I brought up a specific problem I had been dealing with one of my own clients and how I was feeling less than valued. Mary suggested that we look into this situation as she thought it could be connected to a longer standing pattern. We put my protective parent into action through the dialogue process. WOW!!!!! OK!!!!! I get it.
I drew a picture of one of my clients who for most of the time I find to be quite reasonable but there are those times where I feel completely undermined. I kept thinking that it must be me [of course who else am I going to blame]and the inner critic was still reminding me that I must be incompetent or something. This client would give me a compliment and in the same breath tell me how I could do better [?] I would find myself trying to MAKE her see (prove) that I’m a good person/worker etc. or I would just work harder and prove to her that I was valuable. [Now after drawing out this inner voice I can see it for what it was…
I drew a situation which depicts the woman I work for and then myself using my non-dominant hand. (see image below) In the drawing it was interesting to see how very small I appear and I wonder could I appear any smaller? I mean good lord, I feel so sad for that minute being. I wonder do I really feel like that inside? Around her YES YES YES!!!!
Is she purposely making me feel like that NO NO NO…………I’m doing that to myself. In the drawing the caption above my head reads: “I’m so tired of these people." In my life I have grown tired of those people but in the past few months I have begun to notice that those ‘type’ people who used to always show up are not showing up as much in my life now. Could it be that I’m not attracting them as much anymore or I’m not attracted to them.
Mary also asked me to do a dialogue between the client and my protective parent using my dominant hand. She wanted the protective parent to be put into action in order to shield the inner child from being treated poorly.
(Click on the image to enlarge)
This dialogue was very revealing. In my last post I had said I feel like I’m maturing at warp speed and I am still doing just that. At the end of the dialogue my protective parent spoke a truth that I had not vocalized, but it is really the way I feel.
This image says it all as it shows me walking out the door. (click on the image to enlarge)
In reality I have begun finding and taking on new clients who treat me better. I want and know that I deserve to be appreciated for the work I do. [I’ve already signed one on to my books this week …hey go figure, and he’s signed on for my rate, without even a sigh! Twice the rate that I was getting previously. This new client was SO respectful and totally grateful, he was already feeling like I was going to be such an asset to him, and how did I feel. VALUED! VALUED, and in charge of my own voice.
I cannot piss and moan about how someone ‘makes’ me feel and expect things to change, I’m the only one who can change my circumstances. I’m the only one who gets to chose who and what I allow into my life. I must take responsibility for that.
As Mary so eloquently puts it; you only need to tend to your own inner road map, it’s not your responsibility to try to figure out anybody else’s emotions, or their shortcomings. If something doesn’t ‘FEEL’ right to you, that is an indicator that you shouldn’t be there, or you should take stock of what the feeling is trying to tell you……You need only to tend to your OWN inner world it will give you the information you are seeking. You must be still long enough to hear it!
This is my 9th week with Mary and so far I have taken on 2 new clients, and the completion of my ‘Life Coaching Certification’ should be done by December 2009.
I know for certain that if I hadn’t taken on this challenge of going in and working with my inner child that there would be no way I would have made such progress in my day to day life. I have been making healthier choices lately and have been learning how to become a better observer. I’m hoping that this ‘observer’ stays with me, throughout the rest of my life, allowing me to live more consciously.
.
It’s like I’m just getting used to myself and it’s quite exciting to like who I am, and to know that I don’t need to prove that I’m worthy to ANYONE! I’m learning that I’m valuable and loveable just as I am……… this takes practice. I have begun asking myself “What Do I Want?” What Do I Need?” Where Do I want To Go?” What Do I Want To Achieve?’ these are questions that now bare paying attention to…
Talk next week Paula
Mary and I started as we always do with some centering breath excercises.I brought up a specific problem I had been dealing with one of my own clients and how I was feeling less than valued. Mary suggested that we look into this situation as she thought it could be connected to a longer standing pattern. We put my protective parent into action through the dialogue process. WOW!!!!! OK!!!!! I get it.
I drew a picture of one of my clients who for most of the time I find to be quite reasonable but there are those times where I feel completely undermined. I kept thinking that it must be me [of course who else am I going to blame]and the inner critic was still reminding me that I must be incompetent or something. This client would give me a compliment and in the same breath tell me how I could do better [?] I would find myself trying to MAKE her see (prove) that I’m a good person/worker etc. or I would just work harder and prove to her that I was valuable. [Now after drawing out this inner voice I can see it for what it was…
I drew a situation which depicts the woman I work for and then myself using my non-dominant hand. (see image below) In the drawing it was interesting to see how very small I appear and I wonder could I appear any smaller? I mean good lord, I feel so sad for that minute being. I wonder do I really feel like that inside? Around her YES YES YES!!!!
Is she purposely making me feel like that NO NO NO…………I’m doing that to myself. In the drawing the caption above my head reads: “I’m so tired of these people." In my life I have grown tired of those people but in the past few months I have begun to notice that those ‘type’ people who used to always show up are not showing up as much in my life now. Could it be that I’m not attracting them as much anymore or I’m not attracted to them.
Mary also asked me to do a dialogue between the client and my protective parent using my dominant hand. She wanted the protective parent to be put into action in order to shield the inner child from being treated poorly.
(Click on the image to enlarge)
This dialogue was very revealing. In my last post I had said I feel like I’m maturing at warp speed and I am still doing just that. At the end of the dialogue my protective parent spoke a truth that I had not vocalized, but it is really the way I feel.
This image says it all as it shows me walking out the door. (click on the image to enlarge)
In reality I have begun finding and taking on new clients who treat me better. I want and know that I deserve to be appreciated for the work I do. [I’ve already signed one on to my books this week …hey go figure, and he’s signed on for my rate, without even a sigh! Twice the rate that I was getting previously. This new client was SO respectful and totally grateful, he was already feeling like I was going to be such an asset to him, and how did I feel. VALUED! VALUED, and in charge of my own voice.
I cannot piss and moan about how someone ‘makes’ me feel and expect things to change, I’m the only one who can change my circumstances. I’m the only one who gets to chose who and what I allow into my life. I must take responsibility for that.
As Mary so eloquently puts it; you only need to tend to your own inner road map, it’s not your responsibility to try to figure out anybody else’s emotions, or their shortcomings. If something doesn’t ‘FEEL’ right to you, that is an indicator that you shouldn’t be there, or you should take stock of what the feeling is trying to tell you……You need only to tend to your OWN inner world it will give you the information you are seeking. You must be still long enough to hear it!
This is my 9th week with Mary and so far I have taken on 2 new clients, and the completion of my ‘Life Coaching Certification’ should be done by December 2009.
I know for certain that if I hadn’t taken on this challenge of going in and working with my inner child that there would be no way I would have made such progress in my day to day life. I have been making healthier choices lately and have been learning how to become a better observer. I’m hoping that this ‘observer’ stays with me, throughout the rest of my life, allowing me to live more consciously.
.
It’s like I’m just getting used to myself and it’s quite exciting to like who I am, and to know that I don’t need to prove that I’m worthy to ANYONE! I’m learning that I’m valuable and loveable just as I am……… this takes practice. I have begun asking myself “What Do I Want?” What Do I Need?” Where Do I want To Go?” What Do I Want To Achieve?’ these are questions that now bare paying attention to…
Talk next week Paula
Critical Parent
I started my session with Mary as we always do with some centering breathes to get me connected to ‘The Now’ and as is usual in our sessions. Mary’s voice brings me back to be fully present to the task at hand which was accessing and meeting the “Critical Parent.”
I found it to be really easy to connect and could visualize it being right beneath my skin, just waiting for anything to be critical about:
Mary had me draw my critical parent and as you can see I drew her as protective and happy with my 3 sisters and me there over to the side with my hands on my hips in a kind of defiant stance, separate.
In the drawintg she is telling me all the things that I now have learned to say to myself after being triggered by things my sisters and mother say. Inwardly I hear that I’m over exaggerating the pain I’ve felt throughout my childhood especially related to the incest.
After I drew the picture and said the words with my dominant hand Mary had me ask the question:
Dear inner child
“Tell me what your hearts desire is”
I then wrote my answers with my non-dominant hand
This is what I wrote:
I want to be free from feeling like I don’t matter to you-I want to be able to get excited about becoming a mom-I want to be free from those ugly thoughts!
Next Mary had me invite the voice and the critique of my inner‘Critical Parent’to come forward and have its say using the dominant hand:
Then Mary asked me to have the Inner Child talk back to the inner voice of the Critical Parent with my non-dominant hand
My Inner Child wrote:
I feel sad for you-that you are so angry. You can’t see me-can you? You don’t know me & you don’t want to know me.You just want to be mean & spiteful & I don’t want to know you anymore.
The picture below is my picture drawn with my non-dominant hand of me being free and happy and how I see my life becoming:
It’s me grown with my husband and 2 children with a house and a dog and a small structure off of my house that is representative of my office.
There is happiness in that picture and money to help me be free and to enable me to live a life of love and joy as I’ve always wanted to be.
This session really brought home to me the fact that holding onto the past is detrimental to my present and to my future.
I know that me being happy is down to me taking care of me.
The critical voice is not as loud as it was, although the many years I’ve spent pandering to that voice has to be unlearned and the person I am, and am becoming has to be honored.
I have to put those voices that keep me down to bed. Not having the backing [as I see it as this moment] of my first family to cheer me on, will not stop me from my journey. It has just been a glitch in my growth.
It has to come from me, and I can only stand by myself and do the best I can where I’m at at the moment with each day bringing more grace and hope into my life. I have to be aware that this voice is one of my stronger voices, and I have to be vigilant to it when it rises to the surface. I feel as if I should give it some respect after all it was this bold inner voice that brought me to the place of seeking the help I needed. It also enabled me to finally and for the rest of my time on this earth go forward with the true spirit that is demanding I pay attention to it. I certainly cannot offer any real help to others until I am at peace with this voice.
I want to say to the critical voice:
“You have done your job it is time for you to leave now” I appreciate that you had to be here for me to grow…………………..
Talk later Paula…………..growing up at warp speed I might add!
I found it to be really easy to connect and could visualize it being right beneath my skin, just waiting for anything to be critical about:
Mary had me draw my critical parent and as you can see I drew her as protective and happy with my 3 sisters and me there over to the side with my hands on my hips in a kind of defiant stance, separate.
In the drawintg she is telling me all the things that I now have learned to say to myself after being triggered by things my sisters and mother say. Inwardly I hear that I’m over exaggerating the pain I’ve felt throughout my childhood especially related to the incest.
After I drew the picture and said the words with my dominant hand Mary had me ask the question:
Dear inner child
“Tell me what your hearts desire is”
I then wrote my answers with my non-dominant hand
This is what I wrote:
I want to be free from feeling like I don’t matter to you-I want to be able to get excited about becoming a mom-I want to be free from those ugly thoughts!
Next Mary had me invite the voice and the critique of my inner‘Critical Parent’to come forward and have its say using the dominant hand:
Then Mary asked me to have the Inner Child talk back to the inner voice of the Critical Parent with my non-dominant hand
My Inner Child wrote:
I feel sad for you-that you are so angry. You can’t see me-can you? You don’t know me & you don’t want to know me.You just want to be mean & spiteful & I don’t want to know you anymore.
The picture below is my picture drawn with my non-dominant hand of me being free and happy and how I see my life becoming:
It’s me grown with my husband and 2 children with a house and a dog and a small structure off of my house that is representative of my office.
There is happiness in that picture and money to help me be free and to enable me to live a life of love and joy as I’ve always wanted to be.
This session really brought home to me the fact that holding onto the past is detrimental to my present and to my future.
I know that me being happy is down to me taking care of me.
The critical voice is not as loud as it was, although the many years I’ve spent pandering to that voice has to be unlearned and the person I am, and am becoming has to be honored.
I have to put those voices that keep me down to bed. Not having the backing [as I see it as this moment] of my first family to cheer me on, will not stop me from my journey. It has just been a glitch in my growth.
It has to come from me, and I can only stand by myself and do the best I can where I’m at at the moment with each day bringing more grace and hope into my life. I have to be aware that this voice is one of my stronger voices, and I have to be vigilant to it when it rises to the surface. I feel as if I should give it some respect after all it was this bold inner voice that brought me to the place of seeking the help I needed. It also enabled me to finally and for the rest of my time on this earth go forward with the true spirit that is demanding I pay attention to it. I certainly cannot offer any real help to others until I am at peace with this voice.
I want to say to the critical voice:
“You have done your job it is time for you to leave now” I appreciate that you had to be here for me to grow…………………..
Talk later Paula…………..growing up at warp speed I might add!
Friday, August 7, 2009
Protective Parent
This past week was a real break through for me and it seems that things are starting to clear. I’m not as stuck as I was and have become more aware of my ‘bad’ habits lately and am working on bringing in healthier habits, I definitely feel a shift. I have been wanting to complete a certification for over 4 years and now I have been following through with the necessary steps and it is now within my sight. I am feeling a lot clearer and realized that I deserve this and I now know where I want to be and exactly what will feed my soul. [I believe this shift in taking action is directly linked to the work I’m doing with Mary]
We started this session off with a centering meditation, which I find to be a great beginning to the session. It really allows me to let Mary guide the session and to lead me. I trust her implicitly with my inner world. It takes only a few minutes to let go of all my preconceived notions of everything and most of all the work I’m doing with her.
Mary guided me through the exercise of the Protective Parent….
I drew with my dominant hand this time, that was different, but also quite freeing in a way. After doing the drawing of my protective parent. I felt Light! It was as if I was beginning again……how it should have been! How I would do it! I was doing it!!!!!!……….for me….that lovely little girl that I know I was!
I then drew a picture of the protective parent taking the child to a safe place. It was quite emotional.
Mary prompted me to ask my Inner Child“What do you need” and to write the answers!
This is what my Inner Child had to say:
I need to be protected from your criticisms you have to let me be. I need protecting from people who don’t ‘get me’-take me to places where I can feel good-
Protect me …..PROPERLY!
I looked at that for a few minutes after writing it, and it kind of shocked me a little. I know that my critical self has found her way to the front of my consciousness in the last few years, especially since I made a conscious decision to withdraw from my family so as to get some perspective on the sexual abuse that occurred for many years whilst I was growing up; from my step-father. I couldn’t seem to reconcile that my sisters and their children had a relationship with him. [After knowing EVERYTHING that he had done to me] I became a bigger victim than they ever could have ‘made’ me become.
I did not take care of myself. I had basically been beating myself up constantly for years because my sister’s actions seemed to show me that they didn’t think I was worth standing up for. I realize after today that I am actually fulfilling a deep seated belief that I’ve perpetuated through my perspective of ‘their’ actions. That I was not to be valued. That what I had to offer was not to be valued, that I was worthless! Mary adds that through this process it is possible to change those outdated messages and to learn to value yourself.
This last week has been a real lesson in cutting that critical voice off at the pass…..”You are not welcome here any longer….you must exit the vicinity, I still have a lot of tidying up to do for the new voice to take up residence. Having all those negative loops hanging around is really dangerous, [someone could hurt themselves with them] and I know for sure that the new voice, will not want to take up residence if I’m not respectful, and show it that I have a good clean space for it to come in.
The session felt uplifting and I really felt like I deserved that 2nd picture that taking that little girl with me was me really owning that I was not protected and it was time for me to be the one to take care of that little girl, and do the job properly.
Talk later paulaxxx
We started this session off with a centering meditation, which I find to be a great beginning to the session. It really allows me to let Mary guide the session and to lead me. I trust her implicitly with my inner world. It takes only a few minutes to let go of all my preconceived notions of everything and most of all the work I’m doing with her.
Mary guided me through the exercise of the Protective Parent….
I drew with my dominant hand this time, that was different, but also quite freeing in a way. After doing the drawing of my protective parent. I felt Light! It was as if I was beginning again……how it should have been! How I would do it! I was doing it!!!!!!……….for me….that lovely little girl that I know I was!
I then drew a picture of the protective parent taking the child to a safe place. It was quite emotional.
Mary prompted me to ask my Inner Child“What do you need” and to write the answers!
This is what my Inner Child had to say:
I need to be protected from your criticisms you have to let me be. I need protecting from people who don’t ‘get me’-take me to places where I can feel good-
Protect me …..PROPERLY!
I looked at that for a few minutes after writing it, and it kind of shocked me a little. I know that my critical self has found her way to the front of my consciousness in the last few years, especially since I made a conscious decision to withdraw from my family so as to get some perspective on the sexual abuse that occurred for many years whilst I was growing up; from my step-father. I couldn’t seem to reconcile that my sisters and their children had a relationship with him. [After knowing EVERYTHING that he had done to me] I became a bigger victim than they ever could have ‘made’ me become.
I did not take care of myself. I had basically been beating myself up constantly for years because my sister’s actions seemed to show me that they didn’t think I was worth standing up for. I realize after today that I am actually fulfilling a deep seated belief that I’ve perpetuated through my perspective of ‘their’ actions. That I was not to be valued. That what I had to offer was not to be valued, that I was worthless! Mary adds that through this process it is possible to change those outdated messages and to learn to value yourself.
This last week has been a real lesson in cutting that critical voice off at the pass…..”You are not welcome here any longer….you must exit the vicinity, I still have a lot of tidying up to do for the new voice to take up residence. Having all those negative loops hanging around is really dangerous, [someone could hurt themselves with them] and I know for sure that the new voice, will not want to take up residence if I’m not respectful, and show it that I have a good clean space for it to come in.
The session felt uplifting and I really felt like I deserved that 2nd picture that taking that little girl with me was me really owning that I was not protected and it was time for me to be the one to take care of that little girl, and do the job properly.
Talk later paulaxxx
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Love letter to my Inner Child 4th session
Prior to the session Mary had me do some centering breath which helped me align myself and get present to the task at hand. This excercise was done with my dominant hand and it was two letters to my inner child from my inner adult. The first was a love letter and the second a letter of apology.
Here is the love letter to my Inner Child:
Dear Inner Child,
I wanted you to know how much I love you because you have such an open heart and an infectious laugh. I love the way you hang from the monkey bars with such confidence, swinging. That seeing things upside down makes you chuckle. That you are a good friend to your friends. I love that you want so badly to be happy. I see you.
I think you are an angel from God, with a really fabulous sense of humor.
All my love forever,
Your adoring and proud parent,
Paula
After writing this I did an image of my nurturing parent and my inner child.
After writing the love letter Mary asked me to read it aloud. As I read this I could picture myself as a child at different ages and felt as if my inner child was listening and looking at me. It was as though she was checking in to see if I was being honest while I was reading it to her. Afterwards Mary also read it to me and it felt really good to be acknowledged for the qualities I know I have. The excercise was more of a testament to my inner child from me as an adult. It was like my inner child was being validated by my adult self. Now I see that instead of looking outside of myself for validation I am able to give that to myself. The shift in my everyday reality is I am now investigating the possibility that perhaps I can begin putting myself first. This is a bit uncomfortable and I am grappling as I incorporate this new behavior. The letter of apology was easy to write as I felt that my inner child deserved the apology from an adult. When I was growing up the adults were not paying attention with the exception of my Nan and now I need to pay attention which is the hardest thing. Now I need to become vigilant about putting myself first. This is going to take practice, after all its been 41 years of doing things another way. I don't blame anyone for all the work that was put on me at such a young age (I was responsible for an entire household by 6 caring for babies and a mother) but now I can choose differently and now it is my responsibility to show up for myself. No more blame.
Thankfully I have Mary always cheering me on and who believes in me and encourages me to believe in myself.
Click on image to read the letter of apology
Here is the love letter to my Inner Child:
Dear Inner Child,
I wanted you to know how much I love you because you have such an open heart and an infectious laugh. I love the way you hang from the monkey bars with such confidence, swinging. That seeing things upside down makes you chuckle. That you are a good friend to your friends. I love that you want so badly to be happy. I see you.
I think you are an angel from God, with a really fabulous sense of humor.
All my love forever,
Your adoring and proud parent,
Paula
After writing this I did an image of my nurturing parent and my inner child.
After writing the love letter Mary asked me to read it aloud. As I read this I could picture myself as a child at different ages and felt as if my inner child was listening and looking at me. It was as though she was checking in to see if I was being honest while I was reading it to her. Afterwards Mary also read it to me and it felt really good to be acknowledged for the qualities I know I have. The excercise was more of a testament to my inner child from me as an adult. It was like my inner child was being validated by my adult self. Now I see that instead of looking outside of myself for validation I am able to give that to myself. The shift in my everyday reality is I am now investigating the possibility that perhaps I can begin putting myself first. This is a bit uncomfortable and I am grappling as I incorporate this new behavior. The letter of apology was easy to write as I felt that my inner child deserved the apology from an adult. When I was growing up the adults were not paying attention with the exception of my Nan and now I need to pay attention which is the hardest thing. Now I need to become vigilant about putting myself first. This is going to take practice, after all its been 41 years of doing things another way. I don't blame anyone for all the work that was put on me at such a young age (I was responsible for an entire household by 6 caring for babies and a mother) but now I can choose differently and now it is my responsibility to show up for myself. No more blame.
Thankfully I have Mary always cheering me on and who believes in me and encourages me to believe in myself.
Click on image to read the letter of apology
Friday, July 24, 2009
Finding hope
Thanks to this work and Mary’s guidance in just a short amount of time I have begun to feel like the worst is FINALLY behind me. This isn’t to say that there won’t be things that will come up. I'm beginning to really GET that I can integrate that child and this adult and move forward in my life with hope that the way I run my life wont be fraught with such drama. What always felt to me like my total 'bad' luck, and my perspective of doom and despair which honestly I have been carrying for EVER is now ending and it feels like I'm growing, evolving. I'm gaining confidence, and moving forward with my dreams and goals and can feel them concretely within my grasp. It is like I'm getting in the rhythm of life and the universe. Like I'm part of it, and I'm supposed to be here. Mary adds “you are, a beautiful part.”
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Meeting the Angry Child
This time I met with my ANGRY child!!!!! Again using the non dominant hand method to dialogue and draw.
As you can see in the picture below she looks really pissed off………….when I asked what was her name….the response was “Go Away” and when she’s asked her age she says 100……………I felt really strange and discombobulated, really irritated. Mary mentioned that I probably felt like I was a hundred with all that I was responsible for at that age.
Mary suggested I ask again, and this time the answer was 9.
During the session I was surprised that my inner child remembered facts such as where I lived and even gave my street address, which is weird since I can’t recall remembering the exact address. I guess that’s the mystery of this work using the non-dominant hand for it allows one to access the sub-conscious mind.
I was surprised again by some of the answers that came through the writing. Memories of the nuns in school always trying to make me write with my right hand, as I’m left handed and it was frowned upon to be left-handed. I can remember feeling like these adults didn’t have a clue what they were talking about intuitively I knew better. The reason this may be coming up is because it would have caused me to be angry, obviously!
I can only say that during this session besides feeling exhausted, my general feeling of annoyance and anger seemed to dissipate after sorting through some of it with Mary. It helped me to understand and empathize with the reality of what I dealt with as a child. It really felt like someone was finally listening to me when I was a child of 9.
My mother had 3 other babies by the time I was 6, I became the handmaid to them all. By the time I was 6 I was responsible for so much. I can really SEE why I was so angry and so exhausted by the age of 9, I’d already lived a whole lifetime. I didn’t even GET to be a kid. My annoyance and frustration really kind of picked up again in the middle of theweek….Anger/irritation, and some other dark feelings have surfaced for me but the difference was that I began to think, what am I angry for? Asking myself why am I so irritated? What do I NEED TO DO FOR ME…? Good question Paula? This is new. Mary encourages this line of thinking. She being an advocate for good self care.
I have a sneaky suspicion that I want to do nothing for awhile. I want to be taken care of……….not have to think about adult things, mortgage, bills, etc… I realized I was irritated. I WANT TO KNOW THAT ALL THE BILLS ARE TAKEN CARE OF AND THAT I GET TO JUST TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, AND HAVE THE FUNDS AVAILABLE TO DO THAT………….
I also remember that my mother always put the men in her life first, a pattern that I may have a bit of too. I was taught. Luckily I have a husband who is a good man and he wants me to be happy. He even offered to buy me a full punching bag and offered to teach me. Now would be a good time! I realized that I have been literally carrying around too much weight for a while and that I need to take the weight off both figuratively and literally.
For most of my life I felt I had to make sure that my sisters were ok…. I was the oldest. I looked at a picture of myself at 9 that I had brought out the week before and as I looked other memories begin to pop into my consciousness. I remember that at that age feeling really annoyed at myself if, when I colored a picture and any of the colors were out of the lines……………I was always so careful to stay in the lines. Definitely more than was usual.
Now when I look at the drawing of my angry child I see bursts of rage. f you look at both my feet and hands they look like boxing gloves.
I think that is significant because I would have loved to have been able to have been strong enough to have actually been able to knock out an adult………you know really give them a massive upper cut and a left hook…………………………MAKES ME FEEL GOOD just THINKING ABOUT HOW THAT WOULD HAVE FELT!!!! {I guess I’m carrying more 9 year old Paula than I’d thought I had inside of me.}
I think I may be processing this one for a little while.
By Wednesday night, after working at a job that I really do not like and feeling like I’m STUCK…….BUT now I KNOW that I get to choose. [Something to work towards]I had to really go through the feelings of why, what and how did I get here, what the hell am I going to do……………..and obviously I’m learning why as I type this blog.
I guess that this weeks session with Mary, brought up all kinds of emotions that were mixed with other emotions that feel like this humungous ball of emotional wool that I’ve been carrying around for many many years. Weight that needs to be laid down and forgiveness needs to take place somewhere inside of me.
I think that I probably need to begin with myself.
Now I remember what my teachers used to invariably put on my report cards year after year…………..Paula is this this and this, but the main thing that Paula is, is her own worst enemy…………………..I’ve never forgotten that! It probably hit my consciousness at just the WRONG TIME in my growth, when so much was so uncertain and so much ‘felt like’ I should have been able to have done something to have changed the outcome.
The session really hit a nerve, ANGER must be expressed, somewhere………..mine went inside and buried itself, safe away from the maddening crowd [I was a little girl after all………where else was it going to go]
Maybe it’s time for me to get off my own back and give myself the love that I really do deserve. Whether I am 9, 9 months or 19. I am loveable and carrying so much anger inside is detrimental to my well-being.
I love what Nelson Mandela said:
“that when we hate [which is separation from others] we are drinking in the poison and expecting it to kill the person who caused the pain.”
All that energy and self flagellation and the person/people who we feel have harmed us are going about their business. Living their lives, taking care of their ‘situations’.
Remember assumptions make an ass of you and me.
Talk later,
Paula
As you can see in the picture below she looks really pissed off………….when I asked what was her name….the response was “Go Away” and when she’s asked her age she says 100……………I felt really strange and discombobulated, really irritated. Mary mentioned that I probably felt like I was a hundred with all that I was responsible for at that age.
Mary suggested I ask again, and this time the answer was 9.
During the session I was surprised that my inner child remembered facts such as where I lived and even gave my street address, which is weird since I can’t recall remembering the exact address. I guess that’s the mystery of this work using the non-dominant hand for it allows one to access the sub-conscious mind.I was surprised again by some of the answers that came through the writing. Memories of the nuns in school always trying to make me write with my right hand, as I’m left handed and it was frowned upon to be left-handed. I can remember feeling like these adults didn’t have a clue what they were talking about intuitively I knew better. The reason this may be coming up is because it would have caused me to be angry, obviously!
I can only say that during this session besides feeling exhausted, my general feeling of annoyance and anger seemed to dissipate after sorting through some of it with Mary. It helped me to understand and empathize with the reality of what I dealt with as a child. It really felt like someone was finally listening to me when I was a child of 9.
My mother had 3 other babies by the time I was 6, I became the handmaid to them all. By the time I was 6 I was responsible for so much. I can really SEE why I was so angry and so exhausted by the age of 9, I’d already lived a whole lifetime. I didn’t even GET to be a kid. My annoyance and frustration really kind of picked up again in the middle of theweek….Anger/irritation, and some other dark feelings have surfaced for me but the difference was that I began to think, what am I angry for? Asking myself why am I so irritated? What do I NEED TO DO FOR ME…? Good question Paula? This is new. Mary encourages this line of thinking. She being an advocate for good self care.
I have a sneaky suspicion that I want to do nothing for awhile. I want to be taken care of……….not have to think about adult things, mortgage, bills, etc… I realized I was irritated. I WANT TO KNOW THAT ALL THE BILLS ARE TAKEN CARE OF AND THAT I GET TO JUST TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, AND HAVE THE FUNDS AVAILABLE TO DO THAT………….
I also remember that my mother always put the men in her life first, a pattern that I may have a bit of too. I was taught. Luckily I have a husband who is a good man and he wants me to be happy. He even offered to buy me a full punching bag and offered to teach me. Now would be a good time! I realized that I have been literally carrying around too much weight for a while and that I need to take the weight off both figuratively and literally.
For most of my life I felt I had to make sure that my sisters were ok…. I was the oldest. I looked at a picture of myself at 9 that I had brought out the week before and as I looked other memories begin to pop into my consciousness. I remember that at that age feeling really annoyed at myself if, when I colored a picture and any of the colors were out of the lines……………I was always so careful to stay in the lines. Definitely more than was usual.
Now when I look at the drawing of my angry child I see bursts of rage. f you look at both my feet and hands they look like boxing gloves.
I think that is significant because I would have loved to have been able to have been strong enough to have actually been able to knock out an adult………you know really give them a massive upper cut and a left hook…………………………MAKES ME FEEL GOOD just THINKING ABOUT HOW THAT WOULD HAVE FELT!!!! {I guess I’m carrying more 9 year old Paula than I’d thought I had inside of me.}
I think I may be processing this one for a little while.
By Wednesday night, after working at a job that I really do not like and feeling like I’m STUCK…….BUT now I KNOW that I get to choose. [Something to work towards]I had to really go through the feelings of why, what and how did I get here, what the hell am I going to do……………..and obviously I’m learning why as I type this blog.
I guess that this weeks session with Mary, brought up all kinds of emotions that were mixed with other emotions that feel like this humungous ball of emotional wool that I’ve been carrying around for many many years. Weight that needs to be laid down and forgiveness needs to take place somewhere inside of me.
I think that I probably need to begin with myself.
Now I remember what my teachers used to invariably put on my report cards year after year…………..Paula is this this and this, but the main thing that Paula is, is her own worst enemy…………………..I’ve never forgotten that! It probably hit my consciousness at just the WRONG TIME in my growth, when so much was so uncertain and so much ‘felt like’ I should have been able to have done something to have changed the outcome.
The session really hit a nerve, ANGER must be expressed, somewhere………..mine went inside and buried itself, safe away from the maddening crowd [I was a little girl after all………where else was it going to go]
Maybe it’s time for me to get off my own back and give myself the love that I really do deserve. Whether I am 9, 9 months or 19. I am loveable and carrying so much anger inside is detrimental to my well-being.
I love what Nelson Mandela said:
“that when we hate [which is separation from others] we are drinking in the poison and expecting it to kill the person who caused the pain.”
All that energy and self flagellation and the person/people who we feel have harmed us are going about their business. Living their lives, taking care of their ‘situations’.
Remember assumptions make an ass of you and me.
Talk later,
Paula
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Meeting the Vulnerable Child
My 2nd session brought up more memories but this time my dialogue was with my Vunerable Inner child and she was 6. In this dialogue I realized that I was becoming aware of the reality which I actually had to contend with as a child. I realized that I had been carrying adult realities instead of being free to be a little girl, a child.
You can see how small I appear in the drawing using the non dominant hand.
It was apparent to me after the session that my Inner Child must have gotten ‘Lost’ in all the adult drama and the work I was required to do. She even looks lost in the picture. I felt so sorry for her, that little girl had no-one paying attention, she was seen only when she was useful; fetching and carrying for my mother was what I DID. If I cleaned something up good, that’s when I got praise, that’s when I became legitimate, so that’s what I did, my solace came when my Nan would come to wisk me away to the sanity of her home. My Nan’s home was always my serenity and she was paying attention.
As I drew the picture of that vulnerable child, I could feel the loneliness of her.
One of the questions that Mary asked really stood out in this session, and that was about what my Inner child was asking of me in the dialogue? I don’t think she believes that I’m going to give her what it is that she needs. I think she thinks that I’m like the majority of the adults in her life. They are not trustworthy, and therefore why is she going to give her any energy. In the dialogue the Inner child is almost, placating me when she says in the writing: “Don’t you worry about me my nan is here for me."
Mary said that just like outer children it takes time to earn trust so my Inner child might initially be wary of my words. She reminded me that it takes time to build trust but that by showing up each week I will begin to earn that trust. My inner child needs to be sure that I’m going to be there for her, like I say I’m going to be. I need to pay attention and show up for her. The connection that Mary pointed out was that this was how I felt as a child that I could not count on my own mother who was only 16 when she had me. Here is a sample of the dialogue again with the non dominant and dominant hand method. If you click on the image you will be able to open in a new window.
Note from Mary: "My job is to lead the person in and I guide using questions in order to unlock the memories that will lead to resolving core issues. Having an inner guide you can trust is so important to the process and it is important to have someone with you as you re-enter the inner realms. My job as an Inner guide is to know which way to turn and when; and I do this with questions.
I create a protective space for the person as they get to know their inner child."
Later in the week I had a powerful dream and wrote it in my journal that I have begun keeping next to me on my night stand. It was me facing a fear and conquering the fear. In the dream I bravely faced the person that hurt me as a kid. I faced his anger, and I faced the scorned looks and feelings that I got from my family, whilst in the dream I felt all those harrowing feelings I carried with me for so long. It seemed important that although I was scared I did not back down. Mary suggested tht it was like I was bravely facing into my fears. I’m not saying they have dissolved into nothing but I feel like I’m hitting a nerve somewhere in my body that’s releasing something, not that I can really define what IT is, during the dream I found myself safely back in my own home and i was fine, this felt like a real breakthrough for me. By the way in my dream my bedroom and my closets were all bigger and brighter signifying that i had created more room, and even with more light! Everything was open and exposed and it felt wonderful, I had a good day that day. In the following days after this, i was energized, I have been organizing and clearing space in my home. My husband is happy, he can find his 'stuff' easier.
In doing this work it is helping me to be more objective about my mother and to see things from an adult perspective. It helps me to be more forgiving and more compassionate. This is a huge shift for only two sessions. As I am getting to know my inner child I also find myself gathering in some of the positive memories such as the peace I felt with my mother’s mother and her mother. As I let go of holding other’s accountable and take back control I have made room for some peace and healing to enter my reality.
talk later, Paula
You can see how small I appear in the drawing using the non dominant hand.
It was apparent to me after the session that my Inner Child must have gotten ‘Lost’ in all the adult drama and the work I was required to do. She even looks lost in the picture. I felt so sorry for her, that little girl had no-one paying attention, she was seen only when she was useful; fetching and carrying for my mother was what I DID. If I cleaned something up good, that’s when I got praise, that’s when I became legitimate, so that’s what I did, my solace came when my Nan would come to wisk me away to the sanity of her home. My Nan’s home was always my serenity and she was paying attention.
As I drew the picture of that vulnerable child, I could feel the loneliness of her.
One of the questions that Mary asked really stood out in this session, and that was about what my Inner child was asking of me in the dialogue? I don’t think she believes that I’m going to give her what it is that she needs. I think she thinks that I’m like the majority of the adults in her life. They are not trustworthy, and therefore why is she going to give her any energy. In the dialogue the Inner child is almost, placating me when she says in the writing: “Don’t you worry about me my nan is here for me."
Mary said that just like outer children it takes time to earn trust so my Inner child might initially be wary of my words. She reminded me that it takes time to build trust but that by showing up each week I will begin to earn that trust. My inner child needs to be sure that I’m going to be there for her, like I say I’m going to be. I need to pay attention and show up for her. The connection that Mary pointed out was that this was how I felt as a child that I could not count on my own mother who was only 16 when she had me. Here is a sample of the dialogue again with the non dominant and dominant hand method. If you click on the image you will be able to open in a new window.
Note from Mary: "My job is to lead the person in and I guide using questions in order to unlock the memories that will lead to resolving core issues. Having an inner guide you can trust is so important to the process and it is important to have someone with you as you re-enter the inner realms. My job as an Inner guide is to know which way to turn and when; and I do this with questions.
I create a protective space for the person as they get to know their inner child."
Later in the week I had a powerful dream and wrote it in my journal that I have begun keeping next to me on my night stand. It was me facing a fear and conquering the fear. In the dream I bravely faced the person that hurt me as a kid. I faced his anger, and I faced the scorned looks and feelings that I got from my family, whilst in the dream I felt all those harrowing feelings I carried with me for so long. It seemed important that although I was scared I did not back down. Mary suggested tht it was like I was bravely facing into my fears. I’m not saying they have dissolved into nothing but I feel like I’m hitting a nerve somewhere in my body that’s releasing something, not that I can really define what IT is, during the dream I found myself safely back in my own home and i was fine, this felt like a real breakthrough for me. By the way in my dream my bedroom and my closets were all bigger and brighter signifying that i had created more room, and even with more light! Everything was open and exposed and it felt wonderful, I had a good day that day. In the following days after this, i was energized, I have been organizing and clearing space in my home. My husband is happy, he can find his 'stuff' easier.
In doing this work it is helping me to be more objective about my mother and to see things from an adult perspective. It helps me to be more forgiving and more compassionate. This is a huge shift for only two sessions. As I am getting to know my inner child I also find myself gathering in some of the positive memories such as the peace I felt with my mother’s mother and her mother. As I let go of holding other’s accountable and take back control I have made room for some peace and healing to enter my reality.
talk later, Paula
Monday, June 29, 2009
My first session with Mary
To prepare for my session I sat at my dining room table next to the window looking out over my beautiful deck with all the flowers, humming birds and butterflies abound. [They always come in the morning] Got my crayons and drawing pad and computer open. Blueberries and cranberry and water, to my side.
Sat for 5 minutes and meditated and then called Mary.
Once I settled into the session Mary had me close my eyes and breathe for a minute, I felt present and ready.
She invited me to draw my Inner Child using my non dominant hand, which for me is my right hand since I’m left handed. Initially it felt strange but I knew I was going to be doing this, but still it felt like a shift for me to just be putting the crayon to paper. I even chose a color, like I would have done if I were a child and I drew myself, my Inner Child. I didn’t really think about it I just did it.
And there I was…..I looked really happy…..I was very young………I felt safe.
The process Mary took me through felt strange at first but it only took a minute to go there, I felt as if my brain was trying to adjust, I can’t really explain that but Mary described it as accessing the sub-conscious, the right side of the brain.
Whatever it was I felt safe with Mary, so it was ok.
Next began the dialogue process with the inner child and adult. This question and answer process involves using the non dominant hand and the dominant hand. I was surprised at my answers, things came up that I hadn’t even thought about before. Things like remembering my nursery school or remembering playing in water with cups and much I enjoyed the flow of this as a kid, or how loved I felt by my Nan. I also remembered the sadness in my home and was able to revisit those memories comfortably and with a safe distance using this process.
If you click on this page it will open larger and you can read this dialogue between my dominant and non dominant hand. The hand writing is supposed to look like a childs because it is.. the Inner Childs. Check out the wisdom and insight of this three year old within. I realize how intuitive I already was.
I remembered my nursery school teacher, not what she looked like but how she made me feel. How I felt in her presence. My first exposure to a good teacher. Now my best friend is an amazing teacher, her students adore her….Coincidence, I don’t know…..but weird that I even thought about it!
I taped some of the session so I am able to hear it a 2nd time, so I can really HEAR it.
What I realized that I always was an observer of the people around me, maybe because I had to; I picked up on the subtleties of mood, or body language or tones of voices. My guess is that as children if our environment FEELS shaky we hone in on those things that take more than the five senses to get our information.
The session went fairly quickly, I found only one question difficult to answer and that was about my mother. Now looking back on the session, I realize that my grandmother [Nan] was more of a mother figure to me back then my mom who was barely 16 when she had me, I’m sure she wasn’t giving off ‘Mom’ vibes at that age, no matter her love for me.
Overall I feel like this could be really effective for me; I enjoyed it. A year ago, I was still pretty skeptical of this process because it felt like I could be ‘making it up from my adult self’ but there were some details that came out when I was writing answers with my non dominant hand that frankly I was surprised were even inside of me. For instance Mary asked the question which I then wrote with my dominant hand, asking how the inner child felt around the sadness in the house. The response was written with the non dominant hand described it perfectly with this "it feels like the love has left the room." That is a perfect description of living with my mother, my Nan and her mother. I could not have come up with this myself in fact I had nearly forgotten about this. It gave me a new perspective of my mother and who she was then, practically a baby herself.
I realize that there is more than Traditional talk therapy out there, and I am SOOOOO ready for this. I’ve been dreaming about myself as a child and it as if she has been calling to me to come and get it her. I finally said yes and followed through for us both.
Imagine forgetting your kid at school and she’s waiting outside the playground and you never show up!!!! well that is what I feel I did to her, and now I have to rectify that. I have some habits that I have a hard time with, and feel sometimes out of control with those behaviors. I realize that those habits are my way of escaping. Although I don’t know exactly know what it is that I keep trying to escape. So I have decided to find out. At my age I am not happy with the fact that I don’t feel in control of some of those behaviors. I hope that this will change.
Doing just one hour of work with Mary has already created a shift. The other night I had a little altercation with my husband. Really just a differing of opinions, something I’m apt to blow out of proportion, typically being super vigilant about ANYONE taking advantage of me, but I didn’t go to that same place. I’m not saying that after only one session I am completely transformed, but I am saying that I was calmer in that situation than I normally have been. I didn’t take offense and I also didn’t defend. What changed was my reaction. I am searching for peace inside of myself and a way to quiet that voice inside of me that throws me off kilter, that makes me feel less than, that seems to infiltrate my sense of self. I’m interested in not floating off into oblivion whenever I feel sad or unloved travelling back to that prepubescent self. I want to be here instead of on the outside of my life looking in. I want to be part of my life. Mary says "transformation happens one step at a time and it is work but aren't difficult outer relationships work? Why not change yourself."
Talk later,Paula
Sat for 5 minutes and meditated and then called Mary.
Once I settled into the session Mary had me close my eyes and breathe for a minute, I felt present and ready.
She invited me to draw my Inner Child using my non dominant hand, which for me is my right hand since I’m left handed. Initially it felt strange but I knew I was going to be doing this, but still it felt like a shift for me to just be putting the crayon to paper. I even chose a color, like I would have done if I were a child and I drew myself, my Inner Child. I didn’t really think about it I just did it.
And there I was…..I looked really happy…..I was very young………I felt safe.
The process Mary took me through felt strange at first but it only took a minute to go there, I felt as if my brain was trying to adjust, I can’t really explain that but Mary described it as accessing the sub-conscious, the right side of the brain.
Whatever it was I felt safe with Mary, so it was ok.
Next began the dialogue process with the inner child and adult. This question and answer process involves using the non dominant hand and the dominant hand. I was surprised at my answers, things came up that I hadn’t even thought about before. Things like remembering my nursery school or remembering playing in water with cups and much I enjoyed the flow of this as a kid, or how loved I felt by my Nan. I also remembered the sadness in my home and was able to revisit those memories comfortably and with a safe distance using this process.
If you click on this page it will open larger and you can read this dialogue between my dominant and non dominant hand. The hand writing is supposed to look like a childs because it is.. the Inner Childs. Check out the wisdom and insight of this three year old within. I realize how intuitive I already was.
I remembered my nursery school teacher, not what she looked like but how she made me feel. How I felt in her presence. My first exposure to a good teacher. Now my best friend is an amazing teacher, her students adore her….Coincidence, I don’t know…..but weird that I even thought about it!
I taped some of the session so I am able to hear it a 2nd time, so I can really HEAR it.
What I realized that I always was an observer of the people around me, maybe because I had to; I picked up on the subtleties of mood, or body language or tones of voices. My guess is that as children if our environment FEELS shaky we hone in on those things that take more than the five senses to get our information.
The session went fairly quickly, I found only one question difficult to answer and that was about my mother. Now looking back on the session, I realize that my grandmother [Nan] was more of a mother figure to me back then my mom who was barely 16 when she had me, I’m sure she wasn’t giving off ‘Mom’ vibes at that age, no matter her love for me.
Overall I feel like this could be really effective for me; I enjoyed it. A year ago, I was still pretty skeptical of this process because it felt like I could be ‘making it up from my adult self’ but there were some details that came out when I was writing answers with my non dominant hand that frankly I was surprised were even inside of me. For instance Mary asked the question which I then wrote with my dominant hand, asking how the inner child felt around the sadness in the house. The response was written with the non dominant hand described it perfectly with this "it feels like the love has left the room." That is a perfect description of living with my mother, my Nan and her mother. I could not have come up with this myself in fact I had nearly forgotten about this. It gave me a new perspective of my mother and who she was then, practically a baby herself.
I realize that there is more than Traditional talk therapy out there, and I am SOOOOO ready for this. I’ve been dreaming about myself as a child and it as if she has been calling to me to come and get it her. I finally said yes and followed through for us both.
Imagine forgetting your kid at school and she’s waiting outside the playground and you never show up!!!! well that is what I feel I did to her, and now I have to rectify that. I have some habits that I have a hard time with, and feel sometimes out of control with those behaviors. I realize that those habits are my way of escaping. Although I don’t know exactly know what it is that I keep trying to escape. So I have decided to find out. At my age I am not happy with the fact that I don’t feel in control of some of those behaviors. I hope that this will change.
Doing just one hour of work with Mary has already created a shift. The other night I had a little altercation with my husband. Really just a differing of opinions, something I’m apt to blow out of proportion, typically being super vigilant about ANYONE taking advantage of me, but I didn’t go to that same place. I’m not saying that after only one session I am completely transformed, but I am saying that I was calmer in that situation than I normally have been. I didn’t take offense and I also didn’t defend. What changed was my reaction. I am searching for peace inside of myself and a way to quiet that voice inside of me that throws me off kilter, that makes me feel less than, that seems to infiltrate my sense of self. I’m interested in not floating off into oblivion whenever I feel sad or unloved travelling back to that prepubescent self. I want to be here instead of on the outside of my life looking in. I want to be part of my life. Mary says "transformation happens one step at a time and it is work but aren't difficult outer relationships work? Why not change yourself."
Talk later,Paula
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Today is the day..
So today is the day I meet and get to know my Inner Child. I am very nervous about this, but I feel as if this could be a real help to both myself and to others who have experienced some of the devastating treatment that I had to endure. I realize that there are many people who have had to and still do endure the scars of incest.
I'm anticipating that the veil of sadness I've carried around with me for over 35 years will begin to lift and reveal the true soul underneath. I want to become someone who can walk with more joy in the world.
So I shall push through ............ ......... for I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it feels as if I can't quite see it for it may only be the size of a pin point and then I have a breakthrough and it becomes brighter, for me it showed itself in the form of gratitude. I am seeing more clearly. Nature has been my ally in my feeling better. Planting flowers and working on my deck, paying attention & caring for the plants has really helped me to see that I'm ok...........my friends have been a huge help too (I did have to reach out, and that is the hardest thing for us to do I believe) we are so super vigilent in our perception of people, always looking for a crack in someone that will prove to us that there aren't people that can be trusted (well that's how it manifested for me) but you have to have some trust that it will be all right.
Today I found the first drawing and dialogue from an initial session I had with Mary. I had almost forgotten about it as it was nearly a year ago. I was scared of what memories it would uncover and at the time realized that I didn't quite feel ready to follow through. I didn't know if I could handle it. Mary reminded me that the Inner Child will let us know when they are ready to talk. Here is that first picture of that little girl that I drew last year. In the picture is a background, with hills the creek running through it. It looks like where I live right now. I realized that I used to always draw this picture of hills and trees and water running through the hills/mountains, with the sun shining brightly when I was a child. My inner child drew the same picture.
I've done years of traditional therapy which has been somewhat helpful but there is a peace that I am needing in my life now. I feel that peace is waiting for me and I know that by doing this work with Mary, for me anyhow, is going to be hugely beneficial to the way I feel about myself. I’m glad to know that there are many healers and good souls out there that can be of assistance to us. It is up to us to take that leap of faith and go out there and find them knowing that we can heal ourselves and go on to have happy, productive lives. We deserve and are meant to have that you know... Sending you safe hugs and love…
I'm anticipating that the veil of sadness I've carried around with me for over 35 years will begin to lift and reveal the true soul underneath. I want to become someone who can walk with more joy in the world.
So I shall push through ............ ......... for I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it feels as if I can't quite see it for it may only be the size of a pin point and then I have a breakthrough and it becomes brighter, for me it showed itself in the form of gratitude. I am seeing more clearly. Nature has been my ally in my feeling better. Planting flowers and working on my deck, paying attention & caring for the plants has really helped me to see that I'm ok...........my friends have been a huge help too (I did have to reach out, and that is the hardest thing for us to do I believe) we are so super vigilent in our perception of people, always looking for a crack in someone that will prove to us that there aren't people that can be trusted (well that's how it manifested for me) but you have to have some trust that it will be all right.
Today I found the first drawing and dialogue from an initial session I had with Mary. I had almost forgotten about it as it was nearly a year ago. I was scared of what memories it would uncover and at the time realized that I didn't quite feel ready to follow through. I didn't know if I could handle it. Mary reminded me that the Inner Child will let us know when they are ready to talk. Here is that first picture of that little girl that I drew last year. In the picture is a background, with hills the creek running through it. It looks like where I live right now. I realized that I used to always draw this picture of hills and trees and water running through the hills/mountains, with the sun shining brightly when I was a child. My inner child drew the same picture.
I've done years of traditional therapy which has been somewhat helpful but there is a peace that I am needing in my life now. I feel that peace is waiting for me and I know that by doing this work with Mary, for me anyhow, is going to be hugely beneficial to the way I feel about myself. I’m glad to know that there are many healers and good souls out there that can be of assistance to us. It is up to us to take that leap of faith and go out there and find them knowing that we can heal ourselves and go on to have happy, productive lives. We deserve and are meant to have that you know... Sending you safe hugs and love…
Friday, June 26, 2009
Today is the day..
Today I begin doing work on freeing my inner child. I have set in place to honor that person that I was when my step-father was molesting me because I'm an adult and I CAN chose better. I am very nervous about this, but I feel that I will be helping myself and others who have experienced some of the devestating treatment that I had to endure. I realize that there are many people who have had to and still do endure the scars of incest.
Mainly I'm anticipating that the veil of saddness I've carried around with me for over 35 years lifts and reveals the true soul underneath. Someone who can walk with more joy in the world.
Mainly I'm anticipating that the veil of saddness I've carried around with me for over 35 years lifts and reveals the true soul underneath. Someone who can walk with more joy in the world.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Preparing to meet my Inner Child
Today I make a commitment to my inner child who has been waiting and getting very impatient with me. Being always a rather stubborn person, I've fought this knowing that I need to make time for her for over a couple of years. I had stumbled upon this realization after a bout with depression that left me feeling frightened and lonely. I remember those feelings so well and I was dreaming of those feelings and realized when i first felt them was when I was a small child!
There is that very famous saying that comes to mind.
"You must know where you are to know where you're going"
"You must know where you are to know where you're going"
It is time........
So today I set my first appt to begin working with Mary Hoffman.
To learn more about Mary or her work Visit her Website.
I invite you to follow along each week as I share my first hand experience with this process and working with Mary.
I have known deep down that I HAD TO DO THIS WORK!!! I guess the fear and trepidation of discovery was too intense a year ago when Mary first offered to share this work with me. But now I finally feel ready. So to come to completion with this particular journey I need to go back and connect with that beautiful little girl that needed to be loved, wanted and held and who got lost in the drama of the adults around her. I want to let her know I am here, and that she is finally safe to look around and enjoy this amazing place where we have landed! Thursday June 19th 2009 11:35am
I begin the work next week Friday June 26th 2009. just before my 47th birthday.....I can see myself as a teenager in my minds eye.............saying "about bloody time Paula !"
This blog is going to be my place to come to journal and share my journey with others. I'm very hopeful ,and happy to have finally made a real commitment to do this and to put my past in the past, and to live my present in the present and to look forward to my future. I invite you to come along with me as I meet and free my Inner Child.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)